Now, I have to apologize to my readers because I've hidden some of my blogs. The reason why is because I felt like I didn't put enough heart into them or they were just too informational. What's information if it's just given and not applied? Nothing my friends. Nothing... but a bunch of words, a bore and possibly a burden.
In exchange for hiding some of my blogs, I'd like to share to you a few letters that are really personal to me and will help you have more insight on my family issues and possibly for your own :]
Enjoy! & Brace yourself for a very long blog.
Some slight background: One of the major problems I have in my family is between my Uncle Frank and I whom he and I collide. He used to serve in the Navy as a chief and was trained to have a very strong militaristic and authoritative mentality. He is now retired. But it's as if he has only transfered his power from the navy onto his family. Although his siblings and many others have recognized to him his domineering persona, he continues to order and criticize others. Although the whole world seems to be against him, I figured his main source of strength is from his wife. And in hopes to mend this feud between many of my relatives and I, I have decided to get in touch with her.
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Note: Most names have been replaced to respect privacy.
hi auntie lenne :]
i'm certain that by the time i send this to you, you'll be back in the states. hope you had a safe flight! can you tell erik and jake that i said hi and that i miss them already? :]
so how are you? i'm sorry that this isn't a conversation in person. with my current disposition in the family, i have to admit that it was hard for me to talk to you. not just approaching you, but wanting to talk to you. if it wasn't obvious already, my whole trip to PI was a constant struggle for me. i didn't want to go to begin with. but i can extend on my reasoning if you wish to hear it in the future...
asides from that... i don't really know what you think about me, but i think that's besides the point. as you know, 4 years ago and as well as a few days ago (or was it a week ago?) an incident happened to me that has possibly subconsciously been a big major root as to why i dislike going to PI. i confessed this to erik and jake because during my whole visit at bulacan, i felt like they - including my sister - were the only ones who'd genuinely listen and try to understand me. talking to them has helped me develop a greater love and appreciation for them, by the way. they are both very intelligent and mature for their age; i'm sure they have you to thank for that. anyway, the reason why i wanted to e-mail you is because after showing me their genuine care and concern - even during times before this - they asked me if they could tell anyone else about my confession. originally, i just wanted to keep it among them and myself - i can explain my reasoning for that too if you'd like to know. but because they listened and understood me, i told them that at that point, they could do whatever they wanted with the knowledge i shared with them. all i asked was for them to do what they believe was the right thing to do. immediately erik said that he was going to tell you because he trusts you the most. and because i trust him, and he trusts you, i feel like i could be capable of trusting you as well. you were always really sweet and nice to me and gave me answers whenever i had questions... i know i haven't been the greatest niece & i haven't showed the greatest appreciation to my family - more like the greatest resentment, but little by little i want to try and get closer to my family and relatives. and i'm hoping that you're one of the first ones that i can attempt to do that with...
with all the stuff i've done, i'd understand if you'd rather not talk to me... but if you do... i'd be eternally grateful. :]
i hope life isn't too hectic once returning back to the states!
love,
Jen
---
Her response letter:
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for your kind words about me. I am really concerned about all of you, especially you because I know you can easily be misunderstood. Thank you for trusting me and my children. You did the right thing when you told erik and jake about your ordeal. They did not betray your confidence, they were very careful in discussing it with us, and constantly had to ask themselves what you allowed them to say and to whom. They do care about you. If there is any way I can help you, be assured that I will listen. The trip to the Philippines was hard for all of us. It was overwhelmingly emotionally draining. I am grieving over your grandma's death and a host of other things. I find it hard to do the usual things I do. I am asleep most of the time. That's the reason I wasn't able to respond to you sooner. Not that I'm busy though I should be but my body and mind just shuts down. I have to force myself to do anything...even to get up.
Take care, and pray. In time God will grant us healing.
Love,
Auntie Lenne
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for your kind words about me. I am really concerned about all of you, especially you because I know you can easily be misunderstood. Thank you for trusting me and my children. You did the right thing when you told erik and jake about your ordeal. They did not betray your confidence, they were very careful in discussing it with us, and constantly had to ask themselves what you allowed them to say and to whom. They do care about you. If there is any way I can help you, be assured that I will listen. The trip to the Philippines was hard for all of us. It was overwhelmingly emotionally draining. I am grieving over your grandma's death and a host of other things. I find it hard to do the usual things I do. I am asleep most of the time. That's the reason I wasn't able to respond to you sooner. Not that I'm busy though I should be but my body and mind just shuts down. I have to force myself to do anything...even to get up.
Take care, and pray. In time God will grant us healing.
Love,
Auntie Lenne
---
My response back:
Hi Auntie!
Ah, that makes sense why you haven't responded in a while. erik told me you were sleeping a lot, too. I heard he went to camp already. Sounds like a lot of fun. Once we returned from PI, my brother left to teach at another camp at UCLA! If it weren't for PI, he probably would've never gotten that opportunity. So there were some perks for him.
As for everyone, I guess I didn't fully realize that I wasn't the only one who was going through hard times as well. Maybe it was wrong for me to expect the elders to try and understand me, especially before Lola's funeral. That's very kind of you to be grieving over my own Lola's death. To be honest, I was grieving more for my mom, Auntie Delly, Uncle Frank and even you.
Since Lola was rarely at my house I never really got to know her. And even if she was and I was at home, I never really spoke to her. There was obviously that language barrier and at the most I'd just hug her and she'd sniff my hair. Haha. Though I wish I knew how to speak Tagalog, I have to confess that I've always refused to. From middle school up until last year, I've had a grudge against my own ethnicity. And at one point, years ago, I even hated my own ethnicity and myself. Long story short, I've always struggled when I was exposed to Filipinos. I've gotten a lot better though, at trying to appreciate my own ethnicity… It's seriously been really difficult because I've seen and experienced more negatives than I have positives. And at least the majority of my close friends today are Filipino.
Among the many negatives things I have learned when we were at the Philippines, one that really stood out to me is how much the elders seem to underestimate the youth. For example, we're always told what to do. We're rarely trusted to just get things done, but instead we always told how to get things done. We're criticized if we make the smallest mistakes and rarely get praised for good deeds we do. Especially when we try to make the bold risk of doing things on our own. Our way.
Or maybe it's just me and how I relay my messages. How I try to express myself. But being elders, I always thought that you all would try to get the meaning out of what I was trying to say rather than take everything literally. I got frustrated in the Philippines, because as much as I wanted to come to understanding with the elders, they all would correct me. Even before the Philippines. For example, when we had dinner at your house, and I got into an argument with Uncle Frank. We got silent and I decided to swallow up my pride and say calmly, "Look Uncle, I understand that you mean well and you have good intentions for everyone and maybe I will see the light one day-" but before I could go on and explain myself, he cut me off and said, "Yeah, you will see the light." And I was convinced that he wasn't going to listen to me. They would all act like they know everything… They all would explain themselves but they wouldn't let me explain myself.
You know, after that day in the hospital when I had my first argument with Uncle Frank and we came to your house, I got into an argument with erik. Throughout all this, I felt like erik was more of an adult than most of the elders I've argued with combined. Cause even when we raised our voices, we'd stop to try and understand what the other person was saying. erik would explain himself and I'd listen, and he'd do the same back. None of the other elders have done that to me.
Well, there's also Kuya Dong. Regardless of what he did to me… He is actually a very good person to talk to. During my stay in the house at Bulacan, while everyone was at the church and funeral, you probably noticed that Kuya Dong left. The reason why he left was because he was feeling very apologetic and concerned about me. He came back to the house and we spoke the whole time everyone was gone. Of course, I was being defensive at first because I felt like I was in a very vulnerable position with no one else around. But he didn't do anything to me. I argued with him, yelled and everything about him being one of the main reasons why I hated the Philippines and even Filipinos. But we both listened to each other and came to an understanding.
I know the root of all my family frustrations are the people who don't take the time to listen to others. Who think they understand, think everything is fine or think they know everything.
Auntie Delly has been one of the only elders who kind of understood me. But that's only because she liked that I was able to stand up to Uncle Frank. You know, one of the main reasons why she wanted me to go to the Philippines was because supposedly after the funeral, we were supposed to have a family confrontation. We were all supposed to sit down and talk things out. And Auntie Delly wanted me to be there for her and my mom as a witness… or as a back up for when they'd try to talk to Uncle Frank. But I told her I didn't want to do that because that's just them using me to compensate for their lack of standing up for themselves. Not only that, but I believe that confrontations with the intentions of telling someone they are wrong is counter productive. In fact, it's more destructive because usually by the end, the parties leave even more convinced that they are right.
She'd respond saying that she understands but that I was misunderstanding her. She said that I should really go for Lola, talk over me when I'd try to say something and finish hoping to hear me convinced. But she'd talk a lot more about the family confrontation – that never happened obviously.
For my mom, because she also plays the father figure in the family, I believe she thinks the best way to show love is to be the provider. She's always giving and forgiving. Always helping when asked. Just agreeing when arguments get too heavy for her to argue back. And I guess you can say that she's always spoiling my siblings and I. As if giving and forgiving solves everything.
So I've grown to be expressive and passionate, but my mom remains the same and so it's always been hard for me and her to have deep conversations. Especially when it gets heated. Like when I told her I wanted Kuya Dong to come to Kuya Rick's house (near Subic Bay?), she said not to worry about him and that he's sorry. But I told her that I still didn't mind his company & that I wanted to still talk to him after all that's happened. But the argument got heavy, she stopped talking and she just walked away. I asked to use her phone so I can contact him somehow but she ignored me too. It's funny how before that she was trying to help me but when I actually wanted this, she ignored it. And it's as if when problems get big, most of the elders don't want to deal with them and just sweep them under the rug. Because after that, my mom didn't even bring it up again. And it's not just her who does that.
As for Uncle Frank, all my life I felt like he underestimated my family and I. Whenever I'd see him, his chin would be up high as if he was sitting on a pedestal. He gave off this superior vibe. I used to be intimidated by it. I used to even be intimidated by how persuasive he could be in conversations or arguments. And I used to see how much he'd batter my mom's self-esteem. Years ago, I got to the point where guilt trips or just demeaning things he'd do wouldn't phase me. But I'd just watch how much it'd affect those around me. Especially my mom, and especially when I found out why Lolo changed his permanent address to ours. It made me angry. And I felt like I held in more anger because my mom always forgave. As she'd always conclude, "I don't hold grudges." But like I said earlier, I don't believe forgiveness always solves everything. So I'd always feel wrong, thinking, "Am I holding a grudge? Or do I just dislike having issues being swept under the rug."
But you know, that's everyone's lack of listening skills for you and difficulties of confronting issues. I understand that confrontations can initially be nerve wrecking. And once they find themselves in a confrontation, they don't always act the way they wish they did when reflecting after. And I can't say that I'm any better because when it comes to family, it's hard to listen when I myself am not being listened to. That's why it's always been hard for me to "put family first." Many times have I felt like my friends were more of my family than my own, because they do listen. And it's reciprocal. I love it. And it's something I wish to instill and prioritize in my future family. (One thing I also swore to myself while I was at the Philippines.)
And the thing is, I'd be fine with all this. I'd be fine with the elders being who they are and whatnot. I mean, it's not like they are the only people who have listening issues. I think in general this whole world lacks genuine listeners. So they aren't the only ones I'd put under the spot light. But the problem I noticed with everyone who has listening issues is how they have a tendency to impose on others or drag others into their problems as well.
With Auntie Delly, all I did was defend and stand up for myself, but instead she saw me as the perfect card to play were we to have the family confrontation. With my mom, assuming everything was fine, she forced me to go to PI without even asking me why I didn't want to go. And as for Uncle Frank, because he gives off his impression that he knows everything, always looked at me as if I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. And because all of this miscommunication – all because the elders don't really take the time to listen and understand – there's no damn way I was going to keep my mouth shut. Because you see if I did, I'd be everything but myself. I'd be passive. I'd be obedient. I'd be miserable. But no one would see that because I'd be the perfect daughter or niece to you all. And as much as I want to make everyone happy, everyone's view of happiness – especially in this family – is irrational to me. It's irrational, unrealistic and superficial. Along with the whole respect levels I didn't respect at the Philippines.
I don't mean to be as stubborn and expressive as I had been this whole trip and just in general. But I had to be. And I have to be. No one was making sense. No one was listening. Everyone seemed to rationalize things in the most irrational ways in their head. It was easy to tell by everyone's actions and explanations – that were insufficient, excessive or nonsensical.
So I grieve for them more than Lola. I grieve because we are still blessed with life but struggle with all of this miscommunication that continues to act nonexistent. Lola's gone now, in heaven I pray. But we're still here. And if we continue like this, I will continue to struggle putting family first.
And this leads me to you, Auntie Lenne, whom I also grieve for your struggles. You are definitely an admirable Aunt. You're very intelligent; you're patient and very sacrificing. You are not only your children's mother, but you are also their teacher. On top of that, you have your husband and you had my grandparents – especially my Lola. You're always caring. You're always there. And just the fact that you've read this far means a lot. I have to ask though, where do you get all this energy and will from? Well I think it's safe to say that you get it from the growth of your kids and the unconditional love from Uncle Frank. But… I just wonder sometimes. I see the perks in everything you do. And I believe you continue to be who you are and do what you do because the positives outweigh the negatives. But… I still would like to question you. I question everything you're doing and if you're truly happy. Am I wrong to question that you find happiness and satisfaction in everything you do? Because before and during the dinner where I argued with Uncle Frank, I saw a side of you I never knew. And it all disappeared once we got to the Philippines.
You don't have to answer if you're truly happy or not. Especially if you think it's a bit intrusive of me to ask. I'm sorry if I am coming off that way and it's probably one of last things you'd like to answer during this grieving time you are going through. But I hope you can just answer me this one question: what happened during that time you acted different towards me? What did I do to upset you? I don't remember directly saying or doing anything to you. Was it something I did indirectly?
And I grieve for you. Because for some reason, I feel in my heart that you're one of the people who gets heard the least. Please tell me I'm wrong so I can ease this anxiety for you in my heart.
I'll continue praying for you and everyone.
Love,
Jennifer
Hi Auntie!
Ah, that makes sense why you haven't responded in a while. erik told me you were sleeping a lot, too. I heard he went to camp already. Sounds like a lot of fun. Once we returned from PI, my brother left to teach at another camp at UCLA! If it weren't for PI, he probably would've never gotten that opportunity. So there were some perks for him.
As for everyone, I guess I didn't fully realize that I wasn't the only one who was going through hard times as well. Maybe it was wrong for me to expect the elders to try and understand me, especially before Lola's funeral. That's very kind of you to be grieving over my own Lola's death. To be honest, I was grieving more for my mom, Auntie Delly, Uncle Frank and even you.
Since Lola was rarely at my house I never really got to know her. And even if she was and I was at home, I never really spoke to her. There was obviously that language barrier and at the most I'd just hug her and she'd sniff my hair. Haha. Though I wish I knew how to speak Tagalog, I have to confess that I've always refused to. From middle school up until last year, I've had a grudge against my own ethnicity. And at one point, years ago, I even hated my own ethnicity and myself. Long story short, I've always struggled when I was exposed to Filipinos. I've gotten a lot better though, at trying to appreciate my own ethnicity… It's seriously been really difficult because I've seen and experienced more negatives than I have positives. And at least the majority of my close friends today are Filipino.
Among the many negatives things I have learned when we were at the Philippines, one that really stood out to me is how much the elders seem to underestimate the youth. For example, we're always told what to do. We're rarely trusted to just get things done, but instead we always told how to get things done. We're criticized if we make the smallest mistakes and rarely get praised for good deeds we do. Especially when we try to make the bold risk of doing things on our own. Our way.
Or maybe it's just me and how I relay my messages. How I try to express myself. But being elders, I always thought that you all would try to get the meaning out of what I was trying to say rather than take everything literally. I got frustrated in the Philippines, because as much as I wanted to come to understanding with the elders, they all would correct me. Even before the Philippines. For example, when we had dinner at your house, and I got into an argument with Uncle Frank. We got silent and I decided to swallow up my pride and say calmly, "Look Uncle, I understand that you mean well and you have good intentions for everyone and maybe I will see the light one day-" but before I could go on and explain myself, he cut me off and said, "Yeah, you will see the light." And I was convinced that he wasn't going to listen to me. They would all act like they know everything… They all would explain themselves but they wouldn't let me explain myself.
You know, after that day in the hospital when I had my first argument with Uncle Frank and we came to your house, I got into an argument with erik. Throughout all this, I felt like erik was more of an adult than most of the elders I've argued with combined. Cause even when we raised our voices, we'd stop to try and understand what the other person was saying. erik would explain himself and I'd listen, and he'd do the same back. None of the other elders have done that to me.
Well, there's also Kuya Dong. Regardless of what he did to me… He is actually a very good person to talk to. During my stay in the house at Bulacan, while everyone was at the church and funeral, you probably noticed that Kuya Dong left. The reason why he left was because he was feeling very apologetic and concerned about me. He came back to the house and we spoke the whole time everyone was gone. Of course, I was being defensive at first because I felt like I was in a very vulnerable position with no one else around. But he didn't do anything to me. I argued with him, yelled and everything about him being one of the main reasons why I hated the Philippines and even Filipinos. But we both listened to each other and came to an understanding.
I know the root of all my family frustrations are the people who don't take the time to listen to others. Who think they understand, think everything is fine or think they know everything.
Auntie Delly has been one of the only elders who kind of understood me. But that's only because she liked that I was able to stand up to Uncle Frank. You know, one of the main reasons why she wanted me to go to the Philippines was because supposedly after the funeral, we were supposed to have a family confrontation. We were all supposed to sit down and talk things out. And Auntie Delly wanted me to be there for her and my mom as a witness… or as a back up for when they'd try to talk to Uncle Frank. But I told her I didn't want to do that because that's just them using me to compensate for their lack of standing up for themselves. Not only that, but I believe that confrontations with the intentions of telling someone they are wrong is counter productive. In fact, it's more destructive because usually by the end, the parties leave even more convinced that they are right.
She'd respond saying that she understands but that I was misunderstanding her. She said that I should really go for Lola, talk over me when I'd try to say something and finish hoping to hear me convinced. But she'd talk a lot more about the family confrontation – that never happened obviously.
For my mom, because she also plays the father figure in the family, I believe she thinks the best way to show love is to be the provider. She's always giving and forgiving. Always helping when asked. Just agreeing when arguments get too heavy for her to argue back. And I guess you can say that she's always spoiling my siblings and I. As if giving and forgiving solves everything.
So I've grown to be expressive and passionate, but my mom remains the same and so it's always been hard for me and her to have deep conversations. Especially when it gets heated. Like when I told her I wanted Kuya Dong to come to Kuya Rick's house (near Subic Bay?), she said not to worry about him and that he's sorry. But I told her that I still didn't mind his company & that I wanted to still talk to him after all that's happened. But the argument got heavy, she stopped talking and she just walked away. I asked to use her phone so I can contact him somehow but she ignored me too. It's funny how before that she was trying to help me but when I actually wanted this, she ignored it. And it's as if when problems get big, most of the elders don't want to deal with them and just sweep them under the rug. Because after that, my mom didn't even bring it up again. And it's not just her who does that.
As for Uncle Frank, all my life I felt like he underestimated my family and I. Whenever I'd see him, his chin would be up high as if he was sitting on a pedestal. He gave off this superior vibe. I used to be intimidated by it. I used to even be intimidated by how persuasive he could be in conversations or arguments. And I used to see how much he'd batter my mom's self-esteem. Years ago, I got to the point where guilt trips or just demeaning things he'd do wouldn't phase me. But I'd just watch how much it'd affect those around me. Especially my mom, and especially when I found out why Lolo changed his permanent address to ours. It made me angry. And I felt like I held in more anger because my mom always forgave. As she'd always conclude, "I don't hold grudges." But like I said earlier, I don't believe forgiveness always solves everything. So I'd always feel wrong, thinking, "Am I holding a grudge? Or do I just dislike having issues being swept under the rug."
But you know, that's everyone's lack of listening skills for you and difficulties of confronting issues. I understand that confrontations can initially be nerve wrecking. And once they find themselves in a confrontation, they don't always act the way they wish they did when reflecting after. And I can't say that I'm any better because when it comes to family, it's hard to listen when I myself am not being listened to. That's why it's always been hard for me to "put family first." Many times have I felt like my friends were more of my family than my own, because they do listen. And it's reciprocal. I love it. And it's something I wish to instill and prioritize in my future family. (One thing I also swore to myself while I was at the Philippines.)
And the thing is, I'd be fine with all this. I'd be fine with the elders being who they are and whatnot. I mean, it's not like they are the only people who have listening issues. I think in general this whole world lacks genuine listeners. So they aren't the only ones I'd put under the spot light. But the problem I noticed with everyone who has listening issues is how they have a tendency to impose on others or drag others into their problems as well.
With Auntie Delly, all I did was defend and stand up for myself, but instead she saw me as the perfect card to play were we to have the family confrontation. With my mom, assuming everything was fine, she forced me to go to PI without even asking me why I didn't want to go. And as for Uncle Frank, because he gives off his impression that he knows everything, always looked at me as if I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. And because all of this miscommunication – all because the elders don't really take the time to listen and understand – there's no damn way I was going to keep my mouth shut. Because you see if I did, I'd be everything but myself. I'd be passive. I'd be obedient. I'd be miserable. But no one would see that because I'd be the perfect daughter or niece to you all. And as much as I want to make everyone happy, everyone's view of happiness – especially in this family – is irrational to me. It's irrational, unrealistic and superficial. Along with the whole respect levels I didn't respect at the Philippines.
I don't mean to be as stubborn and expressive as I had been this whole trip and just in general. But I had to be. And I have to be. No one was making sense. No one was listening. Everyone seemed to rationalize things in the most irrational ways in their head. It was easy to tell by everyone's actions and explanations – that were insufficient, excessive or nonsensical.
So I grieve for them more than Lola. I grieve because we are still blessed with life but struggle with all of this miscommunication that continues to act nonexistent. Lola's gone now, in heaven I pray. But we're still here. And if we continue like this, I will continue to struggle putting family first.
And this leads me to you, Auntie Lenne, whom I also grieve for your struggles. You are definitely an admirable Aunt. You're very intelligent; you're patient and very sacrificing. You are not only your children's mother, but you are also their teacher. On top of that, you have your husband and you had my grandparents – especially my Lola. You're always caring. You're always there. And just the fact that you've read this far means a lot. I have to ask though, where do you get all this energy and will from? Well I think it's safe to say that you get it from the growth of your kids and the unconditional love from Uncle Frank. But… I just wonder sometimes. I see the perks in everything you do. And I believe you continue to be who you are and do what you do because the positives outweigh the negatives. But… I still would like to question you. I question everything you're doing and if you're truly happy. Am I wrong to question that you find happiness and satisfaction in everything you do? Because before and during the dinner where I argued with Uncle Frank, I saw a side of you I never knew. And it all disappeared once we got to the Philippines.
You don't have to answer if you're truly happy or not. Especially if you think it's a bit intrusive of me to ask. I'm sorry if I am coming off that way and it's probably one of last things you'd like to answer during this grieving time you are going through. But I hope you can just answer me this one question: what happened during that time you acted different towards me? What did I do to upset you? I don't remember directly saying or doing anything to you. Was it something I did indirectly?
And I grieve for you. Because for some reason, I feel in my heart that you're one of the people who gets heard the least. Please tell me I'm wrong so I can ease this anxiety for you in my heart.
I'll continue praying for you and everyone.
Love,
Jennifer
---
It's been three weeks and I still haven't gotten a response.
I'm pretty sure I did something wrong.
And rereading this, I can see what I did wrong.
I'm pretty sure I did something wrong.
And rereading this, I can see what I did wrong.
I just wish she'd tell me herself.
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