Afraid to Begin

So here I am.

1120 in the morning. For once, I was asleep by 2230, thanks to waking up at 0800 to work at Petco Park yesterday. We basically stood up the whole time we were working. And we finished working at around 1500ish. It was chill afterwards. For the first time, I sat in the Petco Park stadium and gazed at the baseball field. It was a sight to see.

Okay, maybe it wasn't really "a sight to see."

The game was over and trash was everywhere. But... it was pretty cool to me. :] Afterwards, I went to the gym with my brotha from anotha motha. I really wanted to sleep early that night, so I ran and worked out until I felt my limits.

11 hours of sleep is pretty good. Especially when you can naturally wake up at 0930 rather than 1330 ;]

Anyway, thanks to getting a lot of help from the former cultural affairs coordinator from last year, I finally figured out what my first presentation is going to be. And I am stoked about it and about the future presentations that I have in mind.

Though I have a lot of ideas in mind. I have to admit... I'm scared to write them down. Which is weird. Because I love writing and jotting down ideas. But I'm kind of holding back anyway. I'm kind of scared to begin. And I know why.

This is all still surreal to me. A year ago, I never saw myself to be in AB Samahan. If you haven't heard already, I seriously despised AB Samahan back in the day. My hatred for it kinna stems back to middle school when my best friends were Filipinos and they all hurt me in ways I'd never forget - but I have forgiven because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be who I am today and even be where I am today. Anyway, long story short, I decided to challenge my biases. And although I still see a lot of what I saw a year ago, I have to admit that I see so much more than my biases today.

Now I'm given the opportunity to share who I am and who I want to be, what I've learned and what I will learn and anything else I want, however I want - in respects to the constitution - to an audience. But not just any audience. An audience that I used to dwell in - at the back of the room. An audience, some - if not many - whom share the same biases and judgments as me. How to get their attention. How to keep them engaged. How to present knowledge that they can hopefully apply in their lives. I have to figure that out. In my own creative way.

It makes me feel so fortunate. So blessed. Even after everything I've said and done in regards or even in disregards to Filipinos, I'm fortunate to have gotten this position.

Okay, maybe I'm over exaggerating. Besides that, I'm personally taking this as a big responsibility of mine. Not just for the organization, but for myself. Mainly for myself. I want to learn more about my Filipino Culture. I especially want to become a better presenter or public speaker. And once I become experienced and comfortable in front of an audience, I want to have my own personality in front of an audience.

Now with all that in mind, I know the first step, is to just do it.

Got my support.
Got my resources.
Got my topic.

... Geez... Even after all this venting. I'm still scared to begin.


... No, I got this.
& I won't post another blog until I finish.