Back in the day, it only took him two words to get me to cry,
"Shut up."
Among the few relatives I have here in the states, there was one who I had the biggest resentment towards. I'll just call him Gerry here. He's about 5 years older than me. I used to admire him so much. Back in high school, he was ridiculously smart. You can point at any part of your body and he'd be able to give the scientific name for them, all the way down to the muscles and bones and such. Him and his ROTC team were the best nation wide and he was a faithful boyfriend. He was popular, attractive, intelligent, had a great sense of humor and everyone was expecting him to go places.
Then he moved here to San Diego. He immediately became popular and was known for pop dancing. (If it wasn't for joining the army, he would've been performing with Jabbawockeez.) But then he met his girlfriend, got her pregnant, then got married, then he joined the army, cheated on his girlfriend (she cheated on him, too) and now they are divorced and with their new lovers. His ex-wife still lives in his parent's house always locked up in his room and the only reason why they haven't kicked her out yet is because the babies would be better off living there than with the ex-wife. (Yes babies, they had a second one right after.) And the babies are under her custody, which she knows and is taking full advantage of.
But that's besides the point.
I used to look up to him, even at times when he'd make fun of me and make me cry - which was practically every time we hung out. Eventually I started standing up for myself, or at least, got better at dodging his offenses and not taking his insults personally.
He wasn't a really good dad, nor was his ex-wife a really good mother. A lot of the time they'd have my brother come to their house to babysit while they went out and had fun. Eventually, they started leaving the babies at my house. It was fine at first, my sister enjoyed their company, until they didn't come back the time they said they would.
I tried calling Gerry telling him it's really late, the babies were crying and my mom was staying up longer than she should have. I even threatened to leave his babies outside the house. He disregarded what I said and I kept calling back until he turned his phone off.
Really early in the morning, they finally came back. I answered the door and Gerry's sister - she'll be called Mo here - was with them. Before Lei (his ex-wife & her made up name) could walk past me, I put my arm in front of her and asked, "Where do you think you're going?" She'd reply back with attitude, "I'm going to pick up my babies."
"It's a little too late for that."
She started going off. Calling me immature, saying I didn't know anything and that she was older than me. As if that gave her more validity to be right. "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm older than you." I'll have you know, that was the most she's ever spoken to me in person.
She kept rambling. Getting bored over what she had to say I said, "Can you please shut up?" When I was about to turn to Gerry, he already snapped.
"What!?" He stepped in front of Lei practically pushing her aside. "What did you just say to her?" And shoved me in the chest.
I felt a great heap of air escaped me as I stumbled back. Before he could push me a second time, Mo quickly stepped in and split us up. She held my shoulders and directed me to walk in the house and told me to go upstairs. I cried for the rest of the night.
Years later, I've never gotten an apology. But at least I enjoyed some karma:
A few months after that, I got a myspace message from Lei. She was desperate & she needed someone to watch over her babies. She offered over a hundred dollars for the weekend. Her message was flowery and she was already giving me details about how to take care of the kids.
I sent a message back reminding her of what happened in the past. And the only way we were going to watch her kids was under my conditions. But mainly that she apologized to me and gave my sister the hundred bucks in twenties (because I wanted the money to go to my sister and that was her request :]).
She gave me everything I asked for. On top of that, she added an extra twenty bucks to our payment. And gave me a hug :]
Even so, from that point on, I rejected her every time she asked again. I didn't care. And I still don't care. She is no longer family after all. And she's found other people to freeload off of.
Anyway, mom told me Gerry's back from South Korea for vacationing. And I don't think I have intentions of seeing him.
I'm just kind of wondering how he's going to react to his ex-wife who's still freeloading off his parent's and locked up in his bedroom...
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
She Wants Me To Be A Housewife
My mom wants me to be a housewife.
Okay, she hasn't verbally said so. But I just know so.
There have been so many incidents that make it evident. Like on usual days when I'm reading or studying in the living room (that I have claimed as my territory because there's no point displaying a room if no one gets invited to my house), my mom will randomly complain, "How come you never do anything? You're so lazy." Most days, when she comes home and I'm sitting in the living room (it's always a coincidence that she finds me there) she'll greet me and ask, "So what did you do all day, nothing?"
And usually when the room is quiet, when she's in the family room and I'm in the living room with earphones on, she'll yell until she gets my attention and then ask, "When are you going to clean your [car/room/bathroom/laundry/brother's room (brother's room!!!)/etc.]?"
Okay, the whole cleaning thing I understand. But how can I be doing nothing when she can clearly see that I'm studying?!
I noticed the only time she'll praise me is if I clean something. But even then, if I clean one thing, she'll ask, "Did you clean this, too?"
Like no joke, this criticizing ritual of hers happens at least 7 days a week.
And every now and then when I walk down stairs and she's cooking, she'll suggest, "You should learn how to cook."
She doesn't even like it when I leave the house and she doesn't like me inviting people to the house. Oh! She also thinks it's shameful for me to go to other people's houses because I'd be in their home and she has this wild idea that I'll sabotage it. "Just stay home," she'd say.
Back in the day, she wanted me to major in anything that involves the medical field. Her main reason was so I can help out the family.
I think in my mom's world, the only way to be successful in life is to do something in the medical field and/or be a housewife. She's always cleaning and cooking, even when she doesn't have to. Like seriously, our downstairs is ridiculously clean. But what the heck is the point? Our floors don't have to be that shiny. The kitchen, living room and family room doesn't have to be that clean. Anyway, I know you're very self-conscious mom, but no one's gonna judge us depending on how clean our house is, especially if no one comes over!
Oh another thing to mention, we throw away food from the fridge all the time.
Not only that, but I think my mom wants me to be passive as well. She always tells me to be quiet in public. And just the whole Philippines experience... geez. Don't even look at your daughter when she's speaking from her heart.
I think I'm f*cked up in the head. I've grown up to be everything my mom and relatives didn't want me to be. What the hell is my problem?
Well whatever it is, I don't really mind.
I love who I am :]
And just to let you know mom, I do most of the things you want me to do when you're not around.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
So who's this Cultural Affairs Coordinator person again?
Short bio
- Full name: Jennifer Amos
- Nick name: Jen or Jen Amos
- Birthday: December 15th, 1987
- Middle child & one parent
- RIP Daddy Oct. 1988
Status stuff
- Third year student at San Diego State University
- Currently taking most of my classes at Southwestern College
- Pre-majoring in Communications with an emphasis in Public Relations
- & a minor in Psychology
- AB Samahan's Cultural Affairs Coordinator 2008-09
Random facts (This is to accommodate for all the tags I got.)
- My 5 year younger sister is one of my best friends & I believe she’s going to be a force to be reckoned with in the future
- I have deliberately told people that I no longer wanted to be friends with them
- My last female best friend still hates my guts
- Some of my stress relievers:
- People
- Reflecting
- Blogging; I currently have SIX blogs
- (Three personal, two blogspots for my cultural position - and one for journalism class)
- Scrap booking
- Green is my favorite color
- My inspiration is my husband – Link from The Legend of Zelda
- Aladdin is my second husband
- I’ve divorced with many people but the most recent divorce I had was with Allen Acenas
- You must to meet my orange velociraptor son someday!
- My son and his best friend have a myspace
- Myspace.com/ptacemos
- My green buggy was my dream car since 6th grade
- Whenever I saw a green buggy on the road, I believed it was good luck
- I don't text message, but I like taking a lot of notes on my cell phone
- Was a varsity hurdler in high school
- I can get really hyper and competitive playing multi-player games
- I can kick anyone's ass in Mario Kart Double Dash
- Diddy Kong is my cheat character in SSB Brawl
- I’ve changed my major three times before I settled with PR
- I’m typically hiding offline on AIM
- I recently found out that if someone’s profile is showing even if their logged off, that just means that are in invisible mode ;]
- My signature food during sophomore year in college were Saltine crackers
- I had my first kiss the day after New Years 2008
- I’ve never drank alcohol or done drugs
- The shape of hookahs are cute though!
- I’m known to think & act out of the norm
- I tend to frustrate most people that way
- I like to pretend that my braid is a rat tail
- My first job was at a frozen yogurt place
- I listen to “Forever” by Chris Brown on repeat when I study
- My 8 year old dog was recently put down
- I gave up piano when I was a freshman in high school for cross country
- Practically all my clothes I got on sale and if you compliment me I’ll most likely tell you the cheap price I got them for
- I’m a middle-class girl who’s adapting an upper-class mentality
- My longest relationship was 2 months
- I got my family to stop going to church and got them to go back again
- Guilt trips don't phase me
- Impositions are my biggest pet peeve
- I can easily talk to strangers
- I like to be alone as much as I like to be around people
- At this moment, I just realized my mom's boyfriend set up a treadmill in my living room
Okay I think thirty-one points will suffice :] Guess what? I'm already working on my fourth cultural presentation :D I'm so excited!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
In Life...
it's not criminals who provoke great hatred, it's honest men.
Elias from Noli Me Tangere
By Jose Rizal
By Jose Rizal
Thursday, August 21, 2008
What Does Andres Bonifacio Mean To Me
Andres Bonfacio Samahan: a group full of Filipinos, a lot of pride and cheer, a lot of strong leaders and a group I never thought I’d be apart of. An organization that I originally thought would just try out at the beginning of sophomore year, became the organization that gave me a lead role opportunity for the famed Filipino Cultural Night and an opportunity to help carry on its well known legacy.
Being apart of this organization has enlightened me with so much new insight and revelations that I don’t believe I would have ever learned were I to just have judged it externally. And when I mean externally, initially, I thought the organization to be too peppy, too obnoxious and ridiculously united. It was something that reminded me of my bad experiences back in middle school when my former Filipino friends took advantage of their unity and committed many unkind acts to others.
But my generalizations were wrong and soon I discovered what I judged about AB Samahan was probably something that wasn’t intentional, but the outcomes of their good intentions. Yes, AB Samahan is very proud, united, spirited, stylish, organized and competitive. These were a lot of the qualities that originally turned me off. But I realized that all of those qualities that AB Samahan possesses are in fact very admirable and many of these qualities are things practically every organization should envy.
AB Samahan is more than what everyone sees us on the outside. We’re focused and proactive over the things we want. We do a great deed of preparations, cooperation and collaborations. Many of us are strong as individuals that inspire and strengthen others, thus, strengthening the force of the organization. It is an organization that I am learning to take more pride in and an organization that I am very grateful to have given a chance. But to sum it up, this is AB Samahan and I believe that we are definitely a force to be reckoned it. :]
Jen Amos
Cultural Affairs Coordinator 2008-09
Andres Bonfacio Samahan
San Diego State University
Being apart of this organization has enlightened me with so much new insight and revelations that I don’t believe I would have ever learned were I to just have judged it externally. And when I mean externally, initially, I thought the organization to be too peppy, too obnoxious and ridiculously united. It was something that reminded me of my bad experiences back in middle school when my former Filipino friends took advantage of their unity and committed many unkind acts to others.
But my generalizations were wrong and soon I discovered what I judged about AB Samahan was probably something that wasn’t intentional, but the outcomes of their good intentions. Yes, AB Samahan is very proud, united, spirited, stylish, organized and competitive. These were a lot of the qualities that originally turned me off. But I realized that all of those qualities that AB Samahan possesses are in fact very admirable and many of these qualities are things practically every organization should envy.
AB Samahan is more than what everyone sees us on the outside. We’re focused and proactive over the things we want. We do a great deed of preparations, cooperation and collaborations. Many of us are strong as individuals that inspire and strengthen others, thus, strengthening the force of the organization. It is an organization that I am learning to take more pride in and an organization that I am very grateful to have given a chance. But to sum it up, this is AB Samahan and I believe that we are definitely a force to be reckoned it. :]
Jen Amos
Cultural Affairs Coordinator 2008-09
Andres Bonfacio Samahan
San Diego State University
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
From Niece to Aunt
First presentation is all written out and now I am quite motivated : D Also, the reason why I took a few days longer is because I've managed to brainstorm about 14 presentations for this Fall semester! And a few for the next! I'm so excited! Not to mention that classes at southwestern college have started so I'm already on the ball :]
Now, I have to apologize to my readers because I've hidden some of my blogs. The reason why is because I felt like I didn't put enough heart into them or they were just too informational. What's information if it's just given and not applied? Nothing my friends. Nothing... but a bunch of words, a bore and possibly a burden.
In exchange for hiding some of my blogs, I'd like to share to you a few letters that are really personal to me and will help you have more insight on my family issues and possibly for your own :]
Enjoy! & Brace yourself for a very long blog.
Some slight background: One of the major problems I have in my family is between my Uncle Frank and I whom he and I collide. He used to serve in the Navy as a chief and was trained to have a very strong militaristic and authoritative mentality. He is now retired. But it's as if he has only transfered his power from the navy onto his family. Although his siblings and many others have recognized to him his domineering persona, he continues to order and criticize others. Although the whole world seems to be against him, I figured his main source of strength is from his wife. And in hopes to mend this feud between many of my relatives and I, I have decided to get in touch with her.
---
The first e-mail goes as such:
Note: Most names have been replaced to respect privacy.
hi auntie lenne :]
i'm certain that by the time i send this to you, you'll be back in the states. hope you had a safe flight! can you tell erik and jake that i said hi and that i miss them already? :]
so how are you? i'm sorry that this isn't a conversation in person. with my current disposition in the family, i have to admit that it was hard for me to talk to you. not just approaching you, but wanting to talk to you. if it wasn't obvious already, my whole trip to PI was a constant struggle for me. i didn't want to go to begin with. but i can extend on my reasoning if you wish to hear it in the future...
asides from that... i don't really know what you think about me, but i think that's besides the point. as you know, 4 years ago and as well as a few days ago (or was it a week ago?) an incident happened to me that has possibly subconsciously been a big major root as to why i dislike going to PI. i confessed this to erik and jake because during my whole visit at bulacan, i felt like they - including my sister - were the only ones who'd genuinely listen and try to understand me. talking to them has helped me develop a greater love and appreciation for them, by the way. they are both very intelligent and mature for their age; i'm sure they have you to thank for that. anyway, the reason why i wanted to e-mail you is because after showing me their genuine care and concern - even during times before this - they asked me if they could tell anyone else about my confession. originally, i just wanted to keep it among them and myself - i can explain my reasoning for that too if you'd like to know. but because they listened and understood me, i told them that at that point, they could do whatever they wanted with the knowledge i shared with them. all i asked was for them to do what they believe was the right thing to do. immediately erik said that he was going to tell you because he trusts you the most. and because i trust him, and he trusts you, i feel like i could be capable of trusting you as well. you were always really sweet and nice to me and gave me answers whenever i had questions... i know i haven't been the greatest niece & i haven't showed the greatest appreciation to my family - more like the greatest resentment, but little by little i want to try and get closer to my family and relatives. and i'm hoping that you're one of the first ones that i can attempt to do that with...
with all the stuff i've done, i'd understand if you'd rather not talk to me... but if you do... i'd be eternally grateful. :]
i hope life isn't too hectic once returning back to the states!
love,
Jen
Now, I have to apologize to my readers because I've hidden some of my blogs. The reason why is because I felt like I didn't put enough heart into them or they were just too informational. What's information if it's just given and not applied? Nothing my friends. Nothing... but a bunch of words, a bore and possibly a burden.
In exchange for hiding some of my blogs, I'd like to share to you a few letters that are really personal to me and will help you have more insight on my family issues and possibly for your own :]
Enjoy! & Brace yourself for a very long blog.
Some slight background: One of the major problems I have in my family is between my Uncle Frank and I whom he and I collide. He used to serve in the Navy as a chief and was trained to have a very strong militaristic and authoritative mentality. He is now retired. But it's as if he has only transfered his power from the navy onto his family. Although his siblings and many others have recognized to him his domineering persona, he continues to order and criticize others. Although the whole world seems to be against him, I figured his main source of strength is from his wife. And in hopes to mend this feud between many of my relatives and I, I have decided to get in touch with her.
---
Note: Most names have been replaced to respect privacy.
hi auntie lenne :]
i'm certain that by the time i send this to you, you'll be back in the states. hope you had a safe flight! can you tell erik and jake that i said hi and that i miss them already? :]
so how are you? i'm sorry that this isn't a conversation in person. with my current disposition in the family, i have to admit that it was hard for me to talk to you. not just approaching you, but wanting to talk to you. if it wasn't obvious already, my whole trip to PI was a constant struggle for me. i didn't want to go to begin with. but i can extend on my reasoning if you wish to hear it in the future...
asides from that... i don't really know what you think about me, but i think that's besides the point. as you know, 4 years ago and as well as a few days ago (or was it a week ago?) an incident happened to me that has possibly subconsciously been a big major root as to why i dislike going to PI. i confessed this to erik and jake because during my whole visit at bulacan, i felt like they - including my sister - were the only ones who'd genuinely listen and try to understand me. talking to them has helped me develop a greater love and appreciation for them, by the way. they are both very intelligent and mature for their age; i'm sure they have you to thank for that. anyway, the reason why i wanted to e-mail you is because after showing me their genuine care and concern - even during times before this - they asked me if they could tell anyone else about my confession. originally, i just wanted to keep it among them and myself - i can explain my reasoning for that too if you'd like to know. but because they listened and understood me, i told them that at that point, they could do whatever they wanted with the knowledge i shared with them. all i asked was for them to do what they believe was the right thing to do. immediately erik said that he was going to tell you because he trusts you the most. and because i trust him, and he trusts you, i feel like i could be capable of trusting you as well. you were always really sweet and nice to me and gave me answers whenever i had questions... i know i haven't been the greatest niece & i haven't showed the greatest appreciation to my family - more like the greatest resentment, but little by little i want to try and get closer to my family and relatives. and i'm hoping that you're one of the first ones that i can attempt to do that with...
with all the stuff i've done, i'd understand if you'd rather not talk to me... but if you do... i'd be eternally grateful. :]
i hope life isn't too hectic once returning back to the states!
love,
Jen
---
Her response letter:
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for your kind words about me. I am really concerned about all of you, especially you because I know you can easily be misunderstood. Thank you for trusting me and my children. You did the right thing when you told erik and jake about your ordeal. They did not betray your confidence, they were very careful in discussing it with us, and constantly had to ask themselves what you allowed them to say and to whom. They do care about you. If there is any way I can help you, be assured that I will listen. The trip to the Philippines was hard for all of us. It was overwhelmingly emotionally draining. I am grieving over your grandma's death and a host of other things. I find it hard to do the usual things I do. I am asleep most of the time. That's the reason I wasn't able to respond to you sooner. Not that I'm busy though I should be but my body and mind just shuts down. I have to force myself to do anything...even to get up.
Take care, and pray. In time God will grant us healing.
Love,
Auntie Lenne
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for your kind words about me. I am really concerned about all of you, especially you because I know you can easily be misunderstood. Thank you for trusting me and my children. You did the right thing when you told erik and jake about your ordeal. They did not betray your confidence, they were very careful in discussing it with us, and constantly had to ask themselves what you allowed them to say and to whom. They do care about you. If there is any way I can help you, be assured that I will listen. The trip to the Philippines was hard for all of us. It was overwhelmingly emotionally draining. I am grieving over your grandma's death and a host of other things. I find it hard to do the usual things I do. I am asleep most of the time. That's the reason I wasn't able to respond to you sooner. Not that I'm busy though I should be but my body and mind just shuts down. I have to force myself to do anything...even to get up.
Take care, and pray. In time God will grant us healing.
Love,
Auntie Lenne
---
My response back:
Hi Auntie!
Ah, that makes sense why you haven't responded in a while. erik told me you were sleeping a lot, too. I heard he went to camp already. Sounds like a lot of fun. Once we returned from PI, my brother left to teach at another camp at UCLA! If it weren't for PI, he probably would've never gotten that opportunity. So there were some perks for him.
As for everyone, I guess I didn't fully realize that I wasn't the only one who was going through hard times as well. Maybe it was wrong for me to expect the elders to try and understand me, especially before Lola's funeral. That's very kind of you to be grieving over my own Lola's death. To be honest, I was grieving more for my mom, Auntie Delly, Uncle Frank and even you.
Since Lola was rarely at my house I never really got to know her. And even if she was and I was at home, I never really spoke to her. There was obviously that language barrier and at the most I'd just hug her and she'd sniff my hair. Haha. Though I wish I knew how to speak Tagalog, I have to confess that I've always refused to. From middle school up until last year, I've had a grudge against my own ethnicity. And at one point, years ago, I even hated my own ethnicity and myself. Long story short, I've always struggled when I was exposed to Filipinos. I've gotten a lot better though, at trying to appreciate my own ethnicity… It's seriously been really difficult because I've seen and experienced more negatives than I have positives. And at least the majority of my close friends today are Filipino.
Among the many negatives things I have learned when we were at the Philippines, one that really stood out to me is how much the elders seem to underestimate the youth. For example, we're always told what to do. We're rarely trusted to just get things done, but instead we always told how to get things done. We're criticized if we make the smallest mistakes and rarely get praised for good deeds we do. Especially when we try to make the bold risk of doing things on our own. Our way.
Or maybe it's just me and how I relay my messages. How I try to express myself. But being elders, I always thought that you all would try to get the meaning out of what I was trying to say rather than take everything literally. I got frustrated in the Philippines, because as much as I wanted to come to understanding with the elders, they all would correct me. Even before the Philippines. For example, when we had dinner at your house, and I got into an argument with Uncle Frank. We got silent and I decided to swallow up my pride and say calmly, "Look Uncle, I understand that you mean well and you have good intentions for everyone and maybe I will see the light one day-" but before I could go on and explain myself, he cut me off and said, "Yeah, you will see the light." And I was convinced that he wasn't going to listen to me. They would all act like they know everything… They all would explain themselves but they wouldn't let me explain myself.
You know, after that day in the hospital when I had my first argument with Uncle Frank and we came to your house, I got into an argument with erik. Throughout all this, I felt like erik was more of an adult than most of the elders I've argued with combined. Cause even when we raised our voices, we'd stop to try and understand what the other person was saying. erik would explain himself and I'd listen, and he'd do the same back. None of the other elders have done that to me.
Well, there's also Kuya Dong. Regardless of what he did to me… He is actually a very good person to talk to. During my stay in the house at Bulacan, while everyone was at the church and funeral, you probably noticed that Kuya Dong left. The reason why he left was because he was feeling very apologetic and concerned about me. He came back to the house and we spoke the whole time everyone was gone. Of course, I was being defensive at first because I felt like I was in a very vulnerable position with no one else around. But he didn't do anything to me. I argued with him, yelled and everything about him being one of the main reasons why I hated the Philippines and even Filipinos. But we both listened to each other and came to an understanding.
I know the root of all my family frustrations are the people who don't take the time to listen to others. Who think they understand, think everything is fine or think they know everything.
Auntie Delly has been one of the only elders who kind of understood me. But that's only because she liked that I was able to stand up to Uncle Frank. You know, one of the main reasons why she wanted me to go to the Philippines was because supposedly after the funeral, we were supposed to have a family confrontation. We were all supposed to sit down and talk things out. And Auntie Delly wanted me to be there for her and my mom as a witness… or as a back up for when they'd try to talk to Uncle Frank. But I told her I didn't want to do that because that's just them using me to compensate for their lack of standing up for themselves. Not only that, but I believe that confrontations with the intentions of telling someone they are wrong is counter productive. In fact, it's more destructive because usually by the end, the parties leave even more convinced that they are right.
She'd respond saying that she understands but that I was misunderstanding her. She said that I should really go for Lola, talk over me when I'd try to say something and finish hoping to hear me convinced. But she'd talk a lot more about the family confrontation – that never happened obviously.
For my mom, because she also plays the father figure in the family, I believe she thinks the best way to show love is to be the provider. She's always giving and forgiving. Always helping when asked. Just agreeing when arguments get too heavy for her to argue back. And I guess you can say that she's always spoiling my siblings and I. As if giving and forgiving solves everything.
So I've grown to be expressive and passionate, but my mom remains the same and so it's always been hard for me and her to have deep conversations. Especially when it gets heated. Like when I told her I wanted Kuya Dong to come to Kuya Rick's house (near Subic Bay?), she said not to worry about him and that he's sorry. But I told her that I still didn't mind his company & that I wanted to still talk to him after all that's happened. But the argument got heavy, she stopped talking and she just walked away. I asked to use her phone so I can contact him somehow but she ignored me too. It's funny how before that she was trying to help me but when I actually wanted this, she ignored it. And it's as if when problems get big, most of the elders don't want to deal with them and just sweep them under the rug. Because after that, my mom didn't even bring it up again. And it's not just her who does that.
As for Uncle Frank, all my life I felt like he underestimated my family and I. Whenever I'd see him, his chin would be up high as if he was sitting on a pedestal. He gave off this superior vibe. I used to be intimidated by it. I used to even be intimidated by how persuasive he could be in conversations or arguments. And I used to see how much he'd batter my mom's self-esteem. Years ago, I got to the point where guilt trips or just demeaning things he'd do wouldn't phase me. But I'd just watch how much it'd affect those around me. Especially my mom, and especially when I found out why Lolo changed his permanent address to ours. It made me angry. And I felt like I held in more anger because my mom always forgave. As she'd always conclude, "I don't hold grudges." But like I said earlier, I don't believe forgiveness always solves everything. So I'd always feel wrong, thinking, "Am I holding a grudge? Or do I just dislike having issues being swept under the rug."
But you know, that's everyone's lack of listening skills for you and difficulties of confronting issues. I understand that confrontations can initially be nerve wrecking. And once they find themselves in a confrontation, they don't always act the way they wish they did when reflecting after. And I can't say that I'm any better because when it comes to family, it's hard to listen when I myself am not being listened to. That's why it's always been hard for me to "put family first." Many times have I felt like my friends were more of my family than my own, because they do listen. And it's reciprocal. I love it. And it's something I wish to instill and prioritize in my future family. (One thing I also swore to myself while I was at the Philippines.)
And the thing is, I'd be fine with all this. I'd be fine with the elders being who they are and whatnot. I mean, it's not like they are the only people who have listening issues. I think in general this whole world lacks genuine listeners. So they aren't the only ones I'd put under the spot light. But the problem I noticed with everyone who has listening issues is how they have a tendency to impose on others or drag others into their problems as well.
With Auntie Delly, all I did was defend and stand up for myself, but instead she saw me as the perfect card to play were we to have the family confrontation. With my mom, assuming everything was fine, she forced me to go to PI without even asking me why I didn't want to go. And as for Uncle Frank, because he gives off his impression that he knows everything, always looked at me as if I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. And because all of this miscommunication – all because the elders don't really take the time to listen and understand – there's no damn way I was going to keep my mouth shut. Because you see if I did, I'd be everything but myself. I'd be passive. I'd be obedient. I'd be miserable. But no one would see that because I'd be the perfect daughter or niece to you all. And as much as I want to make everyone happy, everyone's view of happiness – especially in this family – is irrational to me. It's irrational, unrealistic and superficial. Along with the whole respect levels I didn't respect at the Philippines.
I don't mean to be as stubborn and expressive as I had been this whole trip and just in general. But I had to be. And I have to be. No one was making sense. No one was listening. Everyone seemed to rationalize things in the most irrational ways in their head. It was easy to tell by everyone's actions and explanations – that were insufficient, excessive or nonsensical.
So I grieve for them more than Lola. I grieve because we are still blessed with life but struggle with all of this miscommunication that continues to act nonexistent. Lola's gone now, in heaven I pray. But we're still here. And if we continue like this, I will continue to struggle putting family first.
And this leads me to you, Auntie Lenne, whom I also grieve for your struggles. You are definitely an admirable Aunt. You're very intelligent; you're patient and very sacrificing. You are not only your children's mother, but you are also their teacher. On top of that, you have your husband and you had my grandparents – especially my Lola. You're always caring. You're always there. And just the fact that you've read this far means a lot. I have to ask though, where do you get all this energy and will from? Well I think it's safe to say that you get it from the growth of your kids and the unconditional love from Uncle Frank. But… I just wonder sometimes. I see the perks in everything you do. And I believe you continue to be who you are and do what you do because the positives outweigh the negatives. But… I still would like to question you. I question everything you're doing and if you're truly happy. Am I wrong to question that you find happiness and satisfaction in everything you do? Because before and during the dinner where I argued with Uncle Frank, I saw a side of you I never knew. And it all disappeared once we got to the Philippines.
You don't have to answer if you're truly happy or not. Especially if you think it's a bit intrusive of me to ask. I'm sorry if I am coming off that way and it's probably one of last things you'd like to answer during this grieving time you are going through. But I hope you can just answer me this one question: what happened during that time you acted different towards me? What did I do to upset you? I don't remember directly saying or doing anything to you. Was it something I did indirectly?
And I grieve for you. Because for some reason, I feel in my heart that you're one of the people who gets heard the least. Please tell me I'm wrong so I can ease this anxiety for you in my heart.
I'll continue praying for you and everyone.
Love,
Jennifer
Hi Auntie!
Ah, that makes sense why you haven't responded in a while. erik told me you were sleeping a lot, too. I heard he went to camp already. Sounds like a lot of fun. Once we returned from PI, my brother left to teach at another camp at UCLA! If it weren't for PI, he probably would've never gotten that opportunity. So there were some perks for him.
As for everyone, I guess I didn't fully realize that I wasn't the only one who was going through hard times as well. Maybe it was wrong for me to expect the elders to try and understand me, especially before Lola's funeral. That's very kind of you to be grieving over my own Lola's death. To be honest, I was grieving more for my mom, Auntie Delly, Uncle Frank and even you.
Since Lola was rarely at my house I never really got to know her. And even if she was and I was at home, I never really spoke to her. There was obviously that language barrier and at the most I'd just hug her and she'd sniff my hair. Haha. Though I wish I knew how to speak Tagalog, I have to confess that I've always refused to. From middle school up until last year, I've had a grudge against my own ethnicity. And at one point, years ago, I even hated my own ethnicity and myself. Long story short, I've always struggled when I was exposed to Filipinos. I've gotten a lot better though, at trying to appreciate my own ethnicity… It's seriously been really difficult because I've seen and experienced more negatives than I have positives. And at least the majority of my close friends today are Filipino.
Among the many negatives things I have learned when we were at the Philippines, one that really stood out to me is how much the elders seem to underestimate the youth. For example, we're always told what to do. We're rarely trusted to just get things done, but instead we always told how to get things done. We're criticized if we make the smallest mistakes and rarely get praised for good deeds we do. Especially when we try to make the bold risk of doing things on our own. Our way.
Or maybe it's just me and how I relay my messages. How I try to express myself. But being elders, I always thought that you all would try to get the meaning out of what I was trying to say rather than take everything literally. I got frustrated in the Philippines, because as much as I wanted to come to understanding with the elders, they all would correct me. Even before the Philippines. For example, when we had dinner at your house, and I got into an argument with Uncle Frank. We got silent and I decided to swallow up my pride and say calmly, "Look Uncle, I understand that you mean well and you have good intentions for everyone and maybe I will see the light one day-" but before I could go on and explain myself, he cut me off and said, "Yeah, you will see the light." And I was convinced that he wasn't going to listen to me. They would all act like they know everything… They all would explain themselves but they wouldn't let me explain myself.
You know, after that day in the hospital when I had my first argument with Uncle Frank and we came to your house, I got into an argument with erik. Throughout all this, I felt like erik was more of an adult than most of the elders I've argued with combined. Cause even when we raised our voices, we'd stop to try and understand what the other person was saying. erik would explain himself and I'd listen, and he'd do the same back. None of the other elders have done that to me.
Well, there's also Kuya Dong. Regardless of what he did to me… He is actually a very good person to talk to. During my stay in the house at Bulacan, while everyone was at the church and funeral, you probably noticed that Kuya Dong left. The reason why he left was because he was feeling very apologetic and concerned about me. He came back to the house and we spoke the whole time everyone was gone. Of course, I was being defensive at first because I felt like I was in a very vulnerable position with no one else around. But he didn't do anything to me. I argued with him, yelled and everything about him being one of the main reasons why I hated the Philippines and even Filipinos. But we both listened to each other and came to an understanding.
I know the root of all my family frustrations are the people who don't take the time to listen to others. Who think they understand, think everything is fine or think they know everything.
Auntie Delly has been one of the only elders who kind of understood me. But that's only because she liked that I was able to stand up to Uncle Frank. You know, one of the main reasons why she wanted me to go to the Philippines was because supposedly after the funeral, we were supposed to have a family confrontation. We were all supposed to sit down and talk things out. And Auntie Delly wanted me to be there for her and my mom as a witness… or as a back up for when they'd try to talk to Uncle Frank. But I told her I didn't want to do that because that's just them using me to compensate for their lack of standing up for themselves. Not only that, but I believe that confrontations with the intentions of telling someone they are wrong is counter productive. In fact, it's more destructive because usually by the end, the parties leave even more convinced that they are right.
She'd respond saying that she understands but that I was misunderstanding her. She said that I should really go for Lola, talk over me when I'd try to say something and finish hoping to hear me convinced. But she'd talk a lot more about the family confrontation – that never happened obviously.
For my mom, because she also plays the father figure in the family, I believe she thinks the best way to show love is to be the provider. She's always giving and forgiving. Always helping when asked. Just agreeing when arguments get too heavy for her to argue back. And I guess you can say that she's always spoiling my siblings and I. As if giving and forgiving solves everything.
So I've grown to be expressive and passionate, but my mom remains the same and so it's always been hard for me and her to have deep conversations. Especially when it gets heated. Like when I told her I wanted Kuya Dong to come to Kuya Rick's house (near Subic Bay?), she said not to worry about him and that he's sorry. But I told her that I still didn't mind his company & that I wanted to still talk to him after all that's happened. But the argument got heavy, she stopped talking and she just walked away. I asked to use her phone so I can contact him somehow but she ignored me too. It's funny how before that she was trying to help me but when I actually wanted this, she ignored it. And it's as if when problems get big, most of the elders don't want to deal with them and just sweep them under the rug. Because after that, my mom didn't even bring it up again. And it's not just her who does that.
As for Uncle Frank, all my life I felt like he underestimated my family and I. Whenever I'd see him, his chin would be up high as if he was sitting on a pedestal. He gave off this superior vibe. I used to be intimidated by it. I used to even be intimidated by how persuasive he could be in conversations or arguments. And I used to see how much he'd batter my mom's self-esteem. Years ago, I got to the point where guilt trips or just demeaning things he'd do wouldn't phase me. But I'd just watch how much it'd affect those around me. Especially my mom, and especially when I found out why Lolo changed his permanent address to ours. It made me angry. And I felt like I held in more anger because my mom always forgave. As she'd always conclude, "I don't hold grudges." But like I said earlier, I don't believe forgiveness always solves everything. So I'd always feel wrong, thinking, "Am I holding a grudge? Or do I just dislike having issues being swept under the rug."
But you know, that's everyone's lack of listening skills for you and difficulties of confronting issues. I understand that confrontations can initially be nerve wrecking. And once they find themselves in a confrontation, they don't always act the way they wish they did when reflecting after. And I can't say that I'm any better because when it comes to family, it's hard to listen when I myself am not being listened to. That's why it's always been hard for me to "put family first." Many times have I felt like my friends were more of my family than my own, because they do listen. And it's reciprocal. I love it. And it's something I wish to instill and prioritize in my future family. (One thing I also swore to myself while I was at the Philippines.)
And the thing is, I'd be fine with all this. I'd be fine with the elders being who they are and whatnot. I mean, it's not like they are the only people who have listening issues. I think in general this whole world lacks genuine listeners. So they aren't the only ones I'd put under the spot light. But the problem I noticed with everyone who has listening issues is how they have a tendency to impose on others or drag others into their problems as well.
With Auntie Delly, all I did was defend and stand up for myself, but instead she saw me as the perfect card to play were we to have the family confrontation. With my mom, assuming everything was fine, she forced me to go to PI without even asking me why I didn't want to go. And as for Uncle Frank, because he gives off his impression that he knows everything, always looked at me as if I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. And because all of this miscommunication – all because the elders don't really take the time to listen and understand – there's no damn way I was going to keep my mouth shut. Because you see if I did, I'd be everything but myself. I'd be passive. I'd be obedient. I'd be miserable. But no one would see that because I'd be the perfect daughter or niece to you all. And as much as I want to make everyone happy, everyone's view of happiness – especially in this family – is irrational to me. It's irrational, unrealistic and superficial. Along with the whole respect levels I didn't respect at the Philippines.
I don't mean to be as stubborn and expressive as I had been this whole trip and just in general. But I had to be. And I have to be. No one was making sense. No one was listening. Everyone seemed to rationalize things in the most irrational ways in their head. It was easy to tell by everyone's actions and explanations – that were insufficient, excessive or nonsensical.
So I grieve for them more than Lola. I grieve because we are still blessed with life but struggle with all of this miscommunication that continues to act nonexistent. Lola's gone now, in heaven I pray. But we're still here. And if we continue like this, I will continue to struggle putting family first.
And this leads me to you, Auntie Lenne, whom I also grieve for your struggles. You are definitely an admirable Aunt. You're very intelligent; you're patient and very sacrificing. You are not only your children's mother, but you are also their teacher. On top of that, you have your husband and you had my grandparents – especially my Lola. You're always caring. You're always there. And just the fact that you've read this far means a lot. I have to ask though, where do you get all this energy and will from? Well I think it's safe to say that you get it from the growth of your kids and the unconditional love from Uncle Frank. But… I just wonder sometimes. I see the perks in everything you do. And I believe you continue to be who you are and do what you do because the positives outweigh the negatives. But… I still would like to question you. I question everything you're doing and if you're truly happy. Am I wrong to question that you find happiness and satisfaction in everything you do? Because before and during the dinner where I argued with Uncle Frank, I saw a side of you I never knew. And it all disappeared once we got to the Philippines.
You don't have to answer if you're truly happy or not. Especially if you think it's a bit intrusive of me to ask. I'm sorry if I am coming off that way and it's probably one of last things you'd like to answer during this grieving time you are going through. But I hope you can just answer me this one question: what happened during that time you acted different towards me? What did I do to upset you? I don't remember directly saying or doing anything to you. Was it something I did indirectly?
And I grieve for you. Because for some reason, I feel in my heart that you're one of the people who gets heard the least. Please tell me I'm wrong so I can ease this anxiety for you in my heart.
I'll continue praying for you and everyone.
Love,
Jennifer
---
It's been three weeks and I still haven't gotten a response.
I'm pretty sure I did something wrong.
And rereading this, I can see what I did wrong.
I'm pretty sure I did something wrong.
And rereading this, I can see what I did wrong.
I just wish she'd tell me herself.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Afraid to Begin
So here I am.
1120 in the morning. For once, I was asleep by 2230, thanks to waking up at 0800 to work at Petco Park yesterday. We basically stood up the whole time we were working. And we finished working at around 1500ish. It was chill afterwards. For the first time, I sat in the Petco Park stadium and gazed at the baseball field. It was a sight to see.
Okay, maybe it wasn't really "a sight to see."
The game was over and trash was everywhere. But... it was pretty cool to me. :] Afterwards, I went to the gym with my brotha from anotha motha. I really wanted to sleep early that night, so I ran and worked out until I felt my limits.
11 hours of sleep is pretty good. Especially when you can naturally wake up at 0930 rather than 1330 ;]
Anyway, thanks to getting a lot of help from the former cultural affairs coordinator from last year, I finally figured out what my first presentation is going to be. And I am stoked about it and about the future presentations that I have in mind.
Though I have a lot of ideas in mind. I have to admit... I'm scared to write them down. Which is weird. Because I love writing and jotting down ideas. But I'm kind of holding back anyway. I'm kind of scared to begin. And I know why.
This is all still surreal to me. A year ago, I never saw myself to be in AB Samahan. If you haven't heard already, I seriously despised AB Samahan back in the day. My hatred for it kinna stems back to middle school when my best friends were Filipinos and they all hurt me in ways I'd never forget - but I have forgiven because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be who I am today and even be where I am today. Anyway, long story short, I decided to challenge my biases. And although I still see a lot of what I saw a year ago, I have to admit that I see so much more than my biases today.
Now I'm given the opportunity to share who I am and who I want to be, what I've learned and what I will learn and anything else I want, however I want - in respects to the constitution - to an audience. But not just any audience. An audience that I used to dwell in - at the back of the room. An audience, some - if not many - whom share the same biases and judgments as me. How to get their attention. How to keep them engaged. How to present knowledge that they can hopefully apply in their lives. I have to figure that out. In my own creative way.
It makes me feel so fortunate. So blessed. Even after everything I've said and done in regards or even in disregards to Filipinos, I'm fortunate to have gotten this position.
Okay, maybe I'm over exaggerating. Besides that, I'm personally taking this as a big responsibility of mine. Not just for the organization, but for myself. Mainly for myself. I want to learn more about my Filipino Culture. I especially want to become a better presenter or public speaker. And once I become experienced and comfortable in front of an audience, I want to have my own personality in front of an audience.
Now with all that in mind, I know the first step, is to just do it.
Got my support.
Got my resources.
Got my topic.
... Geez... Even after all this venting. I'm still scared to begin.
... No, I got this.
& I won't post another blog until I finish.
1120 in the morning. For once, I was asleep by 2230, thanks to waking up at 0800 to work at Petco Park yesterday. We basically stood up the whole time we were working. And we finished working at around 1500ish. It was chill afterwards. For the first time, I sat in the Petco Park stadium and gazed at the baseball field. It was a sight to see.
Okay, maybe it wasn't really "a sight to see."
The game was over and trash was everywhere. But... it was pretty cool to me. :] Afterwards, I went to the gym with my brotha from anotha motha. I really wanted to sleep early that night, so I ran and worked out until I felt my limits.
11 hours of sleep is pretty good. Especially when you can naturally wake up at 0930 rather than 1330 ;]
Anyway, thanks to getting a lot of help from the former cultural affairs coordinator from last year, I finally figured out what my first presentation is going to be. And I am stoked about it and about the future presentations that I have in mind.
Though I have a lot of ideas in mind. I have to admit... I'm scared to write them down. Which is weird. Because I love writing and jotting down ideas. But I'm kind of holding back anyway. I'm kind of scared to begin. And I know why.
This is all still surreal to me. A year ago, I never saw myself to be in AB Samahan. If you haven't heard already, I seriously despised AB Samahan back in the day. My hatred for it kinna stems back to middle school when my best friends were Filipinos and they all hurt me in ways I'd never forget - but I have forgiven because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be who I am today and even be where I am today. Anyway, long story short, I decided to challenge my biases. And although I still see a lot of what I saw a year ago, I have to admit that I see so much more than my biases today.
Now I'm given the opportunity to share who I am and who I want to be, what I've learned and what I will learn and anything else I want, however I want - in respects to the constitution - to an audience. But not just any audience. An audience that I used to dwell in - at the back of the room. An audience, some - if not many - whom share the same biases and judgments as me. How to get their attention. How to keep them engaged. How to present knowledge that they can hopefully apply in their lives. I have to figure that out. In my own creative way.
It makes me feel so fortunate. So blessed. Even after everything I've said and done in regards or even in disregards to Filipinos, I'm fortunate to have gotten this position.
Okay, maybe I'm over exaggerating. Besides that, I'm personally taking this as a big responsibility of mine. Not just for the organization, but for myself. Mainly for myself. I want to learn more about my Filipino Culture. I especially want to become a better presenter or public speaker. And once I become experienced and comfortable in front of an audience, I want to have my own personality in front of an audience.
Now with all that in mind, I know the first step, is to just do it.
Got my support.
Got my resources.
Got my topic.
... Geez... Even after all this venting. I'm still scared to begin.
... No, I got this.
& I won't post another blog until I finish.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Fourtieth Day - Challenge Tradition
So today is the last day we're going to pray for my Lola who passed away... well... 40 days ago. (Wow, time goes by so fast!) We'll be praying at six tonight (crap, I should probably invite my friends over soon or else my brother's gonna be the only one eating pizza... then again that's not really a problem for him). Until then, my mom and her boyfriend are chillin and watching TV in the living room while I'm on the dining table that we never use. My mom likes to have and display a lot of things that we never use: dishes, fancy cups, fake flowers, our piano - because I stopped playing that to do cross country at the beginning of high school. A lot of pretty wooden furniture from Japan, candles and even this wooden dining table.
So middle-class of us, I know.
But not anymore because I've claimed this place as my study area ;] The table is messy with books, my backpack, lotion, receipts - cause I'm too lazy to scrapbook them still - and my laptop :] Who cares if this place isn't tidied up, it's not like we ever really invite people over. Which makes even less sense to display so much. But that's my mom's logic for you.
Other than my mom, I really like her boyfriend. He's open-minded, sarcastic and usually has a smile on his face when I talk to him. And when it comes to explaining things, while my mom tells me "that's the way it is," he'd respond with reasoning. The "why it is the way it is." It was and is always annoying when my mom doesn't explain. But at least her boyfriend's there to complete her... and ease my annoyance.
No, I'm joking. Living with this for 20 years really helps me get used to it.
Anyway, after my Lola passed away, it was important that we prayed for her for the 9 following days. I don't know the significance behind the 9 days, nor do I know the significance of this 40th day. But my uncle, my mom's boyfriend, was saying he'll read the bible and find out.
Alright, you do that. And when you do, let me know. Because I'd like to know.
Well, I guess it's not really that important for me to find out. Cause otherwise I'd find out on my own. I'm not really into the whole following tradition thing. I don't like going over the rosary. If anyone else is listening, we sound like a cult going over the rosary. And I know, because I listened while sitting out for the first two days of praying. I know going over the rosary is a form of meditation and reassuring God that we forgive Lola for her sins, but is it the only way? I know everyone has their own preference of meditation and giving forgiveness.
Maybe using the rosary is just the standard or default of meditating and forgiving someone. If we don't know any other way or don't even want to bother knowing any other way, we go with this way.
Tradition.
Is that what tradition is for? Is tradition our default if we cannot come up with other ways to live?
Even if there is an answer to that, no one will tell you. No one says it's a default, because it is the norm. No need to question, just trust it. Just do it. You're doing the right thing, because it's always been done this way. It's safe, too. And usually applauded.
Yeah. Tradition and the norm keeps us safe. Keeps us comfortable. Will keep us stable. Sane.
But what if I don't like tradition? What if I don't trust the norm? What if I want to customize my life instead of sticking to default? What if I want to really question if what I'm doing is the right thing? What if I don't want to always play life safe, or keep comfortable? What if I don't believe that stability equals happiness? What if I believe there is possibly a higher level of sanity out there? And what if I could care less about the applause?
I've caused a lot of family issues. Hurt a lot of friends. And risked many possibilities of loneliness because of thinking this way.
But for some reason, I am blessed with wonderful people in my life.
And I guess... Until great pain shows me what I'm doing is wrong...
I say, let's challenge tradition. Let's go beyond our elements. Let's customize our lives and even if we hurt others on the way, let's hope they will seek to understand our actions than to judge us according to tradition.
So middle-class of us, I know.
But not anymore because I've claimed this place as my study area ;] The table is messy with books, my backpack, lotion, receipts - cause I'm too lazy to scrapbook them still - and my laptop :] Who cares if this place isn't tidied up, it's not like we ever really invite people over. Which makes even less sense to display so much. But that's my mom's logic for you.
Other than my mom, I really like her boyfriend. He's open-minded, sarcastic and usually has a smile on his face when I talk to him. And when it comes to explaining things, while my mom tells me "that's the way it is," he'd respond with reasoning. The "why it is the way it is." It was and is always annoying when my mom doesn't explain. But at least her boyfriend's there to complete her... and ease my annoyance.
No, I'm joking. Living with this for 20 years really helps me get used to it.
Anyway, after my Lola passed away, it was important that we prayed for her for the 9 following days. I don't know the significance behind the 9 days, nor do I know the significance of this 40th day. But my uncle, my mom's boyfriend, was saying he'll read the bible and find out.
Alright, you do that. And when you do, let me know. Because I'd like to know.
Well, I guess it's not really that important for me to find out. Cause otherwise I'd find out on my own. I'm not really into the whole following tradition thing. I don't like going over the rosary. If anyone else is listening, we sound like a cult going over the rosary. And I know, because I listened while sitting out for the first two days of praying. I know going over the rosary is a form of meditation and reassuring God that we forgive Lola for her sins, but is it the only way? I know everyone has their own preference of meditation and giving forgiveness.
Maybe using the rosary is just the standard or default of meditating and forgiving someone. If we don't know any other way or don't even want to bother knowing any other way, we go with this way.
Tradition.
Is that what tradition is for? Is tradition our default if we cannot come up with other ways to live?
Even if there is an answer to that, no one will tell you. No one says it's a default, because it is the norm. No need to question, just trust it. Just do it. You're doing the right thing, because it's always been done this way. It's safe, too. And usually applauded.
Yeah. Tradition and the norm keeps us safe. Keeps us comfortable. Will keep us stable. Sane.
But what if I don't like tradition? What if I don't trust the norm? What if I want to customize my life instead of sticking to default? What if I want to really question if what I'm doing is the right thing? What if I don't want to always play life safe, or keep comfortable? What if I don't believe that stability equals happiness? What if I believe there is possibly a higher level of sanity out there? And what if I could care less about the applause?
I've caused a lot of family issues. Hurt a lot of friends. And risked many possibilities of loneliness because of thinking this way.
But for some reason, I am blessed with wonderful people in my life.
And I guess... Until great pain shows me what I'm doing is wrong...
I say, let's challenge tradition. Let's go beyond our elements. Let's customize our lives and even if we hurt others on the way, let's hope they will seek to understand our actions than to judge us according to tradition.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Beijing Olympics Grand Opening
2,008 drummers for the grand opening
15,000 performers & none repeated
Each performer with very detailed costumes
30,000 fireworks
An epic lighting of the torch
The greatest grand opening in the Olympics history
On 8/8/08 at 8 p.m.
Zhang Yimou
You are ridiculous
In the most respectable
& admired way, of course :]
And seriously in the most admired way possible, because I was so inspired. Not only was it the greatest grand opening I've seen for anything, but also it showed a great deal of interdependence & how effective it can be. In this performance:
- Every single person, movement and thing mattered.
- Every single person knew their purpose, their role.
- It wasn’t a competition on which performer could perform better than the other, it was a team effort.
- Over thousands of people working together and from the spectator’s eye, the performance was just so surreal.
- They were so precise, detailed, animated, all of them.
- There was unity and they all shared a common goal: to throw a performance that everyone will remember.
There was no insignificant person. And that was just the performers, just imagining how many people are behind the scenes… The time and effort spent on this performance.
…Intense! Haha
Interdependence. I love it. With a population at 1.3 billion people, Zhang Yimou did a great job having performers instead of technology in many cases (such as the rippling blocks and when carrying the really pretty lady who wore silks).
Yeah… I’m moved.
So moved.
Oh, and as for the whole two hours where the 204 nations made their grand entrances…Thank goodness I have Ti-Vo because I would not have stayed long enough to watch the lighting of the torch in the end. Which was also so intense! Have you ever seen a torch be lit like that before?!
Until then here are some pictures I picked up off of google and other random facts from NBC Olympics!
- 91,000 spectators in the stadium
- 4 billion viewers worldwide
- $40 billion on the infrastructure
- 204 nations come to compete
Intense interdependence!
Friday, August 8, 2008
Before Beijing Olympics 2008 Opening
So the grand opening is tonight at 7:30pm and I thought I'd cheat a little by youtube-ing the video. The videos were there but they weren't viewable because you know... violating copyrights and such. But I did stumble upon this upsetting video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSIlGMT44as
I have to admit that the song is catchy, but how messages are relayed disturbs me:
"China agreed (in 2001 when they won the bid for the Games) to respect human rights and allow freedom of the media. However today Tibet is closed and the international media is being kept out? The World asks why China should be allowed to host the Games if it does not respect the commitments it has made, especially in relation to Tibet."
I don’t know about a lot of politics, but I know how offensive this video came off to be.
For one, some lady newscaster voice in the video kept claiming that the “Chinese government made very specific pledges in relations to human rights that included full freedom for the media to report and human rights improvement.” And “4 months before the games arrive in Beijing, you don’t see any of that.” And with that striking claim, all evidence presented was negative and forceful. How the Chinese government hasn’t reformed the rights of humans. Or how China keeps the media out. The video depicts the violence cast upon the Chinese by the government, takes a stance that it’s relationship with Sudan’s oil industry is unacceptable and makes the comparison between their government and the Nazis.
But anyway.
So with this radical video, I just wonder how many people they are trying to persuade because I’m questioning the video more than I am convinced - well I'm actually dissuaded. Especially when the video pushed that “there shouldn’t be any problem for governments or world leaders or corporations to insist that China follow through the commitments it made.”
Is that just politics or the media being who they are? When wanting to influence the masses the most strategic way is to have extreme and exaggerated evidence? Isn’t it obvious that extremities will always have their biases? And so it’s just so much easier for opposing sides to refute just as harshly?
Is it even politics and media in general? Or is that how America is? Is this the America that I live in that makes criticism that is the least bit constructive and mainly full of blame?
With information being addressed this way, it’s no wonder sensitivity and defenses are up in the air and the smallest thing can trigger the most unintentional insults.
Because of all the hype from the politics and the media, according to China Daily, “it was reported that some foreign athletes had withdrawn from the Olympics over the fear of the air pollution.” If not withdrawal, during the week of the beginning of Olympics, according to NBC sports, “four U.S. cyclists were photographed upon arrival at Beijing's brand-new airport wearing surgical-style masks.” Over-exaggerating the possible downfalls of athlete’s performances, one mustn’t overlook the progress China has actually committed to creating a better environment.
As China Daily explains, “Beijing has invested more than 100 billion yuan ($14.5 billion) in the prevention of air pollution caused by coal combustion, vehicle emissions, industries and dust; and in ecological protection and construction.” Today, the air is now decent and for anyone to still raise concerns about the air quality, according to The Denver Post, one has to consider the humidity and heat that can cause the occasional fogs that many foreign athletes have mistaken for air pollution.
But anyway what’s my point? Because I think I’m losing it. :x
If this is America being imposing, if this is America pointing out the apparent defects of a country more than the advancements and constructive reforms that have been made, then America is a lot more ignorant than I realized. It’s either that, or the “the Juice Media,” whoever the heck they are because they don’t even recognize themselves to the public, need to open their eyes and be more understanding. Maybe this is even my misconception of my own country. But if this is a decent representation…
I’ve always had the idea that a lot of other countries didn’t like us. And with little and intrusive acts such as this, it helps me to understand other countries a lot more. Like I said, I don’t know a lot about politics and I’m still learning a lot about the media – seeing as my desired major will engulf the world of mass media – however in terms of negotiation and influencing others, I know it takes less than pressuring others to keep to their word.
Anyway, I don’t think China is all that bad. The whole theme for this year’s Olympics is “One World, One Dream.” And hey, have you heard their song, “Beijing Welcomes You?”
Well you are now.
& with subtitles ;]
So welcoming! And did you see Jackie Chan?! And I love the lyrics (I think it's the chorus)
Let's all try our best to excel ourselves
Beijing welcomes you
With dreams, anyone's a winner
With courage there will be miracles
Maybe holding the Olympics is the start of China opening up to the world. :]
I’m so excited for the grand opening! No more pictures and reading about it and being the other side of the world that has yet to see it!
Ttyl!
- Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony Wins Gold World Record Protests!
- NBC Sports: “Games Open On a Beijing High” by Alan Abrahamson
- China Daily: Beijing Welcomes You With Its Blue Sky
- The Denver Post: Hazy, With Chance of Surgical Masks
- “Beijing Welcomes You” (subtitled)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Getting Started
so i want to get started with my cultural stuff. i'm rereading noli me tangere by jose rizal. i have a small biography book that i've abused with annotations about andres bonifacio. i have two other books by francisco sionil jose that i still have yet to read. i'm planning on ordering el filibusterismo at barnes & noble or borders. i lived at the philippines for 2 weeks. i have a basic idea on PI's history, culture and politics... it's obvious that information is easy to attain if one desires to. but... even with all the stuff i've gathered..
i feel like i'm getting no where.
i feel like i'm spreading myself out too thin. and so i figured it's about time i really start to focus on what i want to present and how i will present them. and in what order... so i have to ask myself...
what do i want to talk about? but must importantly...to whom?
i want to talk about things... that i want to know and what people can relate to... people who are just as ignorant as i am when it comes to knowing my culture. filipino americans. americanized filipinos. americans that aren't fully aware of what being filipino is. we're at a period of an identity crisis right now. atleast... for me. i feel like i'm living as a filipino, but not exactly sure as to why i live the way i do.
who am i, really?
why am i here?
what's my purpose?
i mean, not individually or spiritually wise - i can read self-help books or go to church for that... but as a filipina. how did i get here? how did the past, not just my personal history but my nation's history, drive us so that i as a filipina could end up here in the US?
it helps to know that my organization is specifically for "preserving and increasing the awareness of filipino and filipino cultures." so that in this whole self-seeking journey of mine (haha.. self-seeking...), i'm hoping that it doesn't just help me, but those who i will be in the organization with as well.
so with my audience in mind... what do i want to talk about?
i think i want... my cultural presentations be in the order of say... a journey. a story. a quest for finding one self as a filipina, filipino, mestizo or someone who wants to learn more about the filipino culture.
Freytag's Pyramid
of a dramatic structure storyline
Thank you Wikipedia :]
so in any journey, we're initially naive. so what's the first thing we'd want to figure out?
What is Andres Bonifacio Samahan?
okay i think i'll keep the rest of my thoughts private for now :]
i feel like i'm getting no where.
i feel like i'm spreading myself out too thin. and so i figured it's about time i really start to focus on what i want to present and how i will present them. and in what order... so i have to ask myself...
what do i want to talk about? but must importantly...to whom?
i want to talk about things... that i want to know and what people can relate to... people who are just as ignorant as i am when it comes to knowing my culture. filipino americans. americanized filipinos. americans that aren't fully aware of what being filipino is. we're at a period of an identity crisis right now. atleast... for me. i feel like i'm living as a filipino, but not exactly sure as to why i live the way i do.
who am i, really?
why am i here?
what's my purpose?
i mean, not individually or spiritually wise - i can read self-help books or go to church for that... but as a filipina. how did i get here? how did the past, not just my personal history but my nation's history, drive us so that i as a filipina could end up here in the US?
it helps to know that my organization is specifically for "preserving and increasing the awareness of filipino and filipino cultures." so that in this whole self-seeking journey of mine (haha.. self-seeking...), i'm hoping that it doesn't just help me, but those who i will be in the organization with as well.
so with my audience in mind... what do i want to talk about?
i think i want... my cultural presentations be in the order of say... a journey. a story. a quest for finding one self as a filipina, filipino, mestizo or someone who wants to learn more about the filipino culture.
Freytag's Pyramid
of a dramatic structure storyline
Thank you Wikipedia :]
so in any journey, we're initially naive. so what's the first thing we'd want to figure out?
What is Andres Bonifacio Samahan?
okay i think i'll keep the rest of my thoughts private for now :]
Monday, August 4, 2008
Was It Worth It?
This is an entry from May 2nd, 2008.
I hid it for a while.
Then I thought that this would be the perfect place to place it :]
Enjoy :D
Bear with me, I'm scared to death.
At today's last AB Samahan meeting of the semester, our Political Affair and Cultural Affair Coordinators addressed the Americans influence on the Philippines back in the early 1900s ...after they drove the Spanish away. At least... according to some political comics I ...took with me as I left the meeting...
what? They were left on the floor and were probably gonna be recycled anyway.
From my understanding, some would say the American's influence was negative. Because although they gave us an education and helped our civilization, the way it came about were through burnt villages, destroyed communities and over thousands of slaughtered Filipinos. In opposition, some would say it was positive. Because asides from ... force-feeding a better education and civilization upon the Filipinos, it's obvious that our generation today is well better off. So if it wasn't for the occurence of our history, we wouldn't be where we are today... populating San Diego.. Holluh. We broke into discussion groups and asked ourselves
Do we like where we are now? and
What the Americans did to us,
Was it worth it?
I didn't speak up.
Even when I was asked to.
I was being more observant and in admiration of how the coordinators presented their information than actually understanding their information, not to mention being a bit nervous cause I was part of a discussion group with someone I highly respected. Took me a while, but I started to generate an opinion in my mind, jotted and organized my thoughts in my handy dandy "eco-friendly" notebook holluh times two, and as my heart pounded... was about ready to express myself ...wwwhen they called the discussion to a close...
I guess I'm not one to sit,
Listen,
Absorb and
Express my understanding and opinion right away...
Unless I'm with people I'm comfortable with or something...
I find expressing myself on the spot quite scary.
Believe me, I was pretty nervous to speak up.
Even for the group discussion last week
And even when I was paying for banquet tickets.
Banquet tickets!
Cause usually when I'm nervous and speak right away
My words seem... scrambled.
But that's okay.
Because
I-have-this :]
And some jacked political comics.
I've had time to think this out.
Last night after watching Iron Man
And this whole morning...booya!
Well I definitely like where I am today.
Well-supported in oh-so-many desired ways
Discounting what your mind in the gutter may be thinking.
I'm sure I'm not the only one, either.
So, I think it was all worth it.
In fact, I know it was all worth it.
There is no gain if there is no sacrifice.
And even if it means the death of others
I believe that just gives us more of a reason
To live our lives to the fullest.
Like this one guy kind of said in the movie Iron Man...
"Let's not waste others' sacrifices."
And the worst thing we can do, is forget this all happened.
I hid it for a while.
Then I thought that this would be the perfect place to place it :]
Enjoy :D
Bear with me, I'm scared to death.
At today's last AB Samahan meeting of the semester, our Political Affair and Cultural Affair Coordinators addressed the Americans influence on the Philippines back in the early 1900s ...after they drove the Spanish away. At least... according to some political comics I ...took with me as I left the meeting...
what? They were left on the floor and were probably gonna be recycled anyway.
From my understanding, some would say the American's influence was negative. Because although they gave us an education and helped our civilization, the way it came about were through burnt villages, destroyed communities and over thousands of slaughtered Filipinos. In opposition, some would say it was positive. Because asides from ... force-feeding a better education and civilization upon the Filipinos, it's obvious that our generation today is well better off. So if it wasn't for the occurence of our history, we wouldn't be where we are today... populating San Diego.. Holluh. We broke into discussion groups and asked ourselves
Do we like where we are now? and
What the Americans did to us,
Was it worth it?
I didn't speak up.
Even when I was asked to.
I was being more observant and in admiration of how the coordinators presented their information than actually understanding their information, not to mention being a bit nervous cause I was part of a discussion group with someone I highly respected. Took me a while, but I started to generate an opinion in my mind, jotted and organized my thoughts in my handy dandy "eco-friendly" notebook holluh times two, and as my heart pounded... was about ready to express myself ...wwwhen they called the discussion to a close...
I guess I'm not one to sit,
Listen,
Absorb and
Express my understanding and opinion right away...
Unless I'm with people I'm comfortable with or something...
I find expressing myself on the spot quite scary.
Believe me, I was pretty nervous to speak up.
Even for the group discussion last week
And even when I was paying for banquet tickets.
Banquet tickets!
Cause usually when I'm nervous and speak right away
My words seem... scrambled.
But that's okay.
Because
I-have-this :]
And some jacked political comics.
I've had time to think this out.
Last night after watching Iron Man
And this whole morning...booya!
Well I definitely like where I am today.
Well-supported in oh-so-many desired ways
Discounting what your mind in the gutter may be thinking.
I'm sure I'm not the only one, either.
So, I think it was all worth it.
In fact, I know it was all worth it.
There is no gain if there is no sacrifice.
And even if it means the death of others
I believe that just gives us more of a reason
To live our lives to the fullest.
Like this one guy kind of said in the movie Iron Man...
"Let's not waste others' sacrifices."
And the worst thing we can do, is forget this all happened.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Andres Bonifacio (1863-96)
- Birth
- November 30th, 1863 @ Tutuban (Tondo, Manila)
- Parents
- Santiago Bonifaci0 (boatman)
- Catalina de Castro (supervisor @ a cigarette factory)
- Named after St. Andrew the Apostle
- Family
- 3 brothers & 2 sisters
- Ciriaco, Procopio, Esperidiona, Troadio & Maxima
- Mother died in 1881 by tuberculosis
- Father died w/ same disease a year later
- Andres became an orphan at age 19
- became head of family and moved to his uncles house
- Had two wives
- First one died of leprosy
- 2nd wife was Gregoria de Jesus (1894)
- Had a baby boy named Andres
- Died from smallpox
- Jobs (gave up school to work full time)
- Bodeguero (warehouse keeper)
- Clerk
- Agent for an English firm of J.M Fleming & Company in Binondo
- Made & sold
- Posters for companies
- Rattan walking canes
- Paper fans
- Bamboo hats
- Joined a German firm named Carlos Fressel & Company
- Worked as bodoguero & supply clerk
- Promoted to sales clerk
- Education
- Learned to read & write the alphabet in Tagalog & Spanish from a primer book
- Went to school in Meisic
- Gave up studies to support family after parents death
- Was capable of speaking little English
- Read
- Foreign novels
- About the French revolution
- Politics
- Law
- Religion
- Inspirations
- Books inspired him to dream of better lives for Filipinos
- Jose Rizal
- 07/03/1892; started a group called "La Liga Filipina"
- Filipinos from middle class
- Read Rizal's books Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo
- La Liga Filipina
- Joined this pacifist group
- Rizal's group was discovered
- Rizal got arrested & exiled to Dapitan
- Time for change
- Bonifacio realized peaceful reforms were no longer possible
- KKK
- Stands for: Kataastaasan Kagalang-galang na Katipunan nang manga Anak nang Bayan
- Katipunan for short
- Showed how Bonifacio was influenced by Rizal
- Translation: 'Supreme Worshipful Association of the Sons of the People'
- Founded 07/07/1892 by Bonifacio, Ladislao Diwa & Teodora Plata on Azcarraga Street
- Secret society aims:
- Free the Philippines from Spain
- By force of arms if necessary
- Saw all men, rich or poor, as equals
- Care for one another in times of sickness & need
- Members mainly from poor working class
- Katipunan was discovered (08/19/1896)
- Many Filipinos were arrested, jailed & shot
- Andres knew it was time for battle
- "Long Live the Philippines"
- 08/23/1896
- Bonifacio & Katipunan leaders vowed to fight Spaniards down to the last man
- First battle
- 08/30/1896
- Bonifacio lead with his best friend, Emilio Jacinto
- Attacked San Juan del Monte's gunpowder store house
- Spaniards retreated to El Deposito, where the Spaniards stored water supply for Intramuros city
- Two Rival Katipunan Councils
- Magdalo council
- Led by Emilio Aguinaldo
- Had many successful battles
- Believed it was time to form to a new kind of government modeled by the American system
- Magdiwang council
- Led by Mariano Alvarez & Bonifacio
- Had many unsuccessful battles
- Believed that the Katipunan government was still usedful
- How the Rivalry Worsened
- Tejeros convention 03/22/1897
- Emilio Aguinaldo became president for the new revolutionary government
- In refusal to recognize Aguinaldo's government, he formed a new government independent from Aguinaldo's
- Bonifacio had 40 men that came with him to Indang
- April 26, 1897
- Bonifacio was arrested by Aguinaldo's officers
- Bonifacio's men put up a fight
- His brother Ciriaco died
- Was tried by the military court in Maragondon, Cavite
- Charged with treason and trying to overthrow the new president
- May 10, 1897
- Bonifacio and his brother Procopio were led to Mt. Hulog where they were shot and killed
- The soldiers loyal to Aguinaldo dug a shallow grave and covered the bodies with twigs and weeds
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