Last Blog of the Semester

Hello everyone. :]

It's three in the morning and with the way I'm planning things out for now and the future... I'm hoping that some of my habits will gradually change for the better...

Asides from that, here are my final announcements before I shun my AB Samahan officer duties out. At least until finals are over... :]

ANNOUNCEMENTS
Interested in participating in cultural presentations?! I'd love to work with you :D Let me know! When January rolls around, I hope to meet with you and plan out presentations for the whole second semester ;]

I also may be looking for an assistant... ;]

In due time, I will have all the presentations up for your viewing pleasure. However, it's always better to first watch them at the meetings :D

SAMAHAN SECRETS
Please check out the website for the most recent update :D Also, stay tuned for insight on THE HIDDEN COMMUNITY that will only be given in Samahan Secrets.

THANK YOUS
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to learn more about their culture and themselves. These websites were intentionally made to help you along in whatever journey you are taking. But to keep it simple, thank you for reading my blogspots :]

Thank you to everyone who has helped me out this semester. Whether it's with participating in presentations, sharing your knowledge, watching in the audience or even moral support... I'm sorry if I've made people worry - especially in November. I will be doing a lot of reflecting and planning over winter break so hopefully I can prevent some incidents from happening again :]

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH...
So now that I have reached my goal of doing 10 presentations, I have a secret to tell you... I actually haven't done 10 presentations... My last presentation yesterday was actually my 16th :] No joke! Here's the final list of the semester. Enjoy!

1. Cock Fighting (Aug. 20)
   
• Location: PAYO meeting & Eastlake
• Links: Not yet available
  
2. Andres Bonifacio's Character (Aug. 22)
   
• Location: AB Samahan E-board Summer retreat
• Links: Not yet available
  
3. Why Should We Care About Our Culture? (Sept. 12)
   
• Location: AB Samahan's First Meeting
• Links:
• Script
• Video: Not yet available
  
4. Questioning Our "Filipino-ness" (Sept. 19)
   
• Location: AB Samahan Second Meeting
• Links:
• Presentation
• Video: Not yet available
  
5. Andres Bonifacio Biography (Sept. 26)
   
• Location: Online
• Links:
• Biography
  
6. Who Is Andres Bonifacio (Oct. 3)
   
• Location: AB Samahan Meeting
• Links:
• Opening - Spoken Word
• Presentation
  
7. Filipino American Heritage Month (Oct. 10)
   
• Location: Online
• Links:
• Presentation
  
8. Heroes & Overseas Filipino Workers (Oct. 17)
   
• Location: AB Samahan Meeting
• Links:
• Presentation
  
9. Reaching Out To Others - Publicity (Oct. 24)
• Location: AB Samahan Meeting
• Links:
• Presentation: Not yet available
• "Advertising Allen" (Video)
  
10. Superstition - Filipino Folklore (Oct. 31)
• Location: AB Samahan Meeting
• Links:
• Presentation
• "Demon Busters - Catholic Style" (Video)
  
11. Justice for Filipino American Veterans (Nov. 7)
• Location: AB Samahan Meeting
• Links:
• Presentation
  
12. SAMAHAN SECRETS (Nov. 14)
• Location: Online
• Links:
• Introduction (Video)
• First Update (Video)
  
13. Limitations (Nov. 21)
• Location: AB Samahan Meeting
• Links:
• Presentation
• Video: Not yet available
  
14. Andres Bonifacio's 145th Birthday (Nov. 28)
• Location: Online
• Links:
• "Special Birthday Shout Out" (Video)
  
15. *Recollection of the Semester (Dec. 5)
• Location: AB Samahan Last Meeting
• Links:
• Presentation
  
16. Paroles (Dec. 5)
• Location: AB Samahan Last Meeting
• Links:
• Presentation
  

Once again, thank you for taking the time to come watch the cultural presentations and looking at the websites! :D Look forward to next semester and a whole new line of presentations ;]

GOOD LUCK ON FINALS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Love,
Jen Amos

Recollection of the Semester

Cultural Presentation #15
Presentation Date: Friday, Dec. 5th, 2008

JEN

Am I limited?
Because of my age? Because I'm a student?
Because I'm a female?

Or am I limited because of my origin
The color of my skin
The fact that I'm a Pinay
Will I be kept down because I'm a minority?
I say no. I'm only as inferior as I allow myself to be.

---

JON

After the war ended, Congress reversed the promise in the Rescissions Acts of 1946. All our grandparent's benefits - gone. Everything they were forced to leave behind – their friends, the life that they had, family – and everything they sacrificed was for nothing. On top of that, we were the only national group that wasn't recognized under the American Flag…

We have a duty everyone. As descendants it is our obligation to recognize this hidden part of history. This is the story of our grandparents. And everyone effected by it. Family, friends, even us.

Justice for Filipino American Veterans!

---

JHOSELLE

Before Catholicism, the indigenous Filipinos believed in animism - the belief that there are spirits in all objects. Unfortunately, when the Spaniards came and introduced Catholicism in 1521, the indigenous Filipinos turned their hierarchy of the animists into demonology. Most of the stories spoke about demons attacking the innocence. The stories and gods of animism have altered due to history, and today we can better understand Animism as Filipino spiritualism or Filipino mythology

---

MAUREEN

Some people graduate college wishing that they were more involved. Some people graduate, wishing they made more friends… We can prevent more of this happening… It starts with us…you, the members. If we share what we have by reaching out to others, I have no doubt that we can change lives. Every person here plays a significant role in this organization, especially the members. We may be a big executive board, but we can't do this alone. We all have grasped the AB Samahan experience differently… And so it's more important than ever that every single one of us shares the blessings that were given to us from this organization…

---

ADELE

Mom, I wish that you understood me better…But before I can do that, I must first understand you. I realized that your definition of success is different from my definition of success. To you, support + stability = success. Doctors, nurses, accountants, engineers, military service. Support, stability… success… happiness.

But… what if I'm not meant for these occupations, mom? What if I have a passion in art, music, dance, language, psychology, liberal studies, culture, communications or other occupations?

And what if… I don't believe that stability equals happiness?
What happens to me?

I love you, mom.
I realize that you only want what's best for me.
But mom, you just don't know.

I'm growing up. I have a mind of my own
You don't have to hold onto my hand as much anymore
It's about time I define success my own way.

---

JEN

The more I study about my culture the more I feel like I'm led on
I've grasped more deceit, ingenuity, double-standard respect and corruption.
The negativity has nearly caused my suffocation.

But I'm still gasping for breath
I'm still trying with much difficulty
I have hope there's more to my ethnicity and so I am holding onto my theory

I believe there is more to my culture, regardless of my perception,
I believe through the vast majority I can find the kind of Filipino beauty that'll give me inspiration

I believe there is some good in everything.
And I know once I find it, it'll be gratifying
I know I will find the beauty that will motivate me to learn more about my culture
And low and behold, I have found what I've been looking for.

Andres Bonifacio was definitely a man who went through the same struggles many of us go through today. But what made him stand out was the fact that he didn't get those circumstances define him. He modeled love, pride, unselfishness, compassion, organization, unity, hard work, dedication and passion. He showed that making a difference takes so much more than saying so, but rather doing so.

He bloomed through the corruption, deceit and ingenuity of his time. And even though Andres Bonifacio may have lived over a century ago, learning about him is one of the main reasons why I keep coming back to this organization and why I continue to learn about my culture.

---

ABE

Q. Rius Hart, Pa Sivv, Hayta and S. Mart went on a journey to discover what it meant to be Filipino. They found their answers from the wise Carabao and they will never forget his wise words, "No matter how far you've gone, you'll realize that you never had to leave your front door to find the answers. Because…

The definition of being a Filipino is something you must define yourself.

It is up to you, here (points to head) and here (points to heart) to determine what being Filipino is.

---

JEN

Why the hell should we care about our Filipino culture?

Like I said, look how far we've gone. Our parents have exchanged our Filipino heritage and identity for the sake of living the American life. Where we're given the opportunity to care more about our own problems than our own nation's!

So why?

..I don't know about you... but I have a lot of family problems. And I realize that the biggest problem is misunderstanding…

On top of that… all this conflict has led me to confusion in who I am and what my purpose is on this earth…

I can keep fighting and rebelling… but if that's taken away from me… what's left? Who am I?

To be understood is one of the biggest things every single one of us strives for in our everyday lives.

And we can have it… if we first understand others.

I'll tell you now: to find better understanding, it's all about learning our roots and growing new fruits. If we learn to understand the past –I guarantee we will learn to understand our present and in time, see more positivity in our future. Knowledge of our culture is everywhere around us. It should be our base, our foundation. And if we decide to do this together, I guarantee that not only will we understand our constant struggles… but we will understand ourselves better

Thank you.

---

REFLECTION
*How many of you remember these presentations?

Awesome. Thank you… I thought I’d share some insight about these presentations… Every single one has been done with intentions that you’ll learn something new. Whether it’s a bit of politics, discrimination, religion, our elders and parents, our culture or more importantly… ourselves. My goal was for every single one of these presentations to somehow leave a mark in your heart…

The semester is coming to a close… That means the schedules and routines that we had this semester will shift – if not little than drastically - when the new semester comes.

Whatever you do or stirve for after this semester, whether it's to continue with AB Samahan, reprioritize your life, try out new things, learn more about yourself or anything else… I hope that my presentations have helped in some way. I hope that I have provided some insight for any aspect in your life…

If any of my presentations sparked the curious heart within you, I hope you step out of your comfort zone and strive for something beyond yourself. We can only go so far when being passive or a hater… It’ll be a tough journey and risky when tending to our curiosities…but it'll probably one of the most rewarding and enriching risks we’ll ever do in our lives.

Thank you for listening to my presentations this semester. & being a part of them if you have been. It was fun :] And for everyone that's staying for another semester, see you next year; you're in for a whole new set of presentations. And also… I'll be looking forward to finding my next cultural affairs assistant.

---

[Join Q. Rius Hart & friends as they cover the "Christmas in the Philippines" cultural presentation!]

SERIOUSLY, Tone It Dowwn

Apparently I have problems because now my journalism teacher is even telling me that I'm taking that class wayy too seriously.

Why is everyone telling me to tone down on the things that I love doing? Everyone complains that people don't have enough passion or drive for what they do and now they have a problem if someone has too much passion?

Between the "two evils," which one would you guys seriously prefer me to have?

Yeah I know there's the middle ground. But that middle ground will always be there. Passion and drive don't roll by every day. Everyone who's anyone should know that... Or maybe not... Maybe I'm wrong.

Why are so many people trying to hold be back?
Why are you all so worried and scared for me?
What do you guys want from me?

I take breaks, too, you know.
I take time to think and reflect, too.
It's not like I'm on high forever.

*sigh* I can't wait to talk to my best friend today.

Andres Bonifacio's Birthday Special

(Click picture for full size)

Join Q. Rius Hart & friends as they gather and recollect all the information about Andres Bonifacio presented this semester.



This is kind of random, but I thought this was just THE CUTEST happy birthday song sang in a cappella ever :]



I'd frikn die of joy if people sang this version to me on my birthday. Haha :P

Election Speech

Note: I was looking through my old blogs and came across my elections speech from April 2008. Wow has so much happened...

---

Hello Everyone :]

My name is Jennifer Amos, but you can just call me Jen or Jen Amos. I’m currently a 2nd semester sophomore with a pre-major in communication public relations and aspiring to be your next AB Samahan Cultural Affairs Coordinator.

At the beginning of this year, I joined AB Samahan because – long story short – I wanted to face all the biases and even bitterness I had towards my own ethnicity. Little did I know that not only did I face them all, I learned so much more than what I had admittedly assumed. And because of this, I couldn’t be any more grateful. Thus bringing me to the reason as to why I am running for this position.

As a token of my thanks, I want to give back to AB Samahan by running for the officer position of Cultural Affairs Coordinator. Not only that, being blessed with the opportunity to be one of the lead roles for FCN has inspired me to learn more about my culture. And what better way to be motivated than to be responsible for researching and presenting information of my culture at the AB Samahan general meetings? In addition, I hope that in pursuing this position, I will learn more about myself, gain the confidence to do public speaking, and understand why alumni continue to return and aid the organization.

Having been an officer for several organizations in the past – Japanese Student Association, ISCOR Student Society, SAAC rep. and past organizations back in high school – I understand the importance of reliability, honesty and integrity, voice and dedication. I am currently not taking any cultural classes, I am not currently studying my own language, but I am a young Filipino lady who has the willingness and eagerness to research more into my culture and inevitably share it with others. As Filipino Americans become more Americanized I believe that it is more important than ever to remember where we came from and understand why we are where we are today. Therefore, making me most qualified for this position.

If elected, I plan on researching and delivering cultural presentations based on the interests of the officers, the members, and myself. For instance, prior to any cultural event we host, such as Filipino Culture Night, I can make it an obligation to make a presentation based on that. With intentions of getting to know our members more, I hope to find among them a common curiosity of our culture that they would like to learn more about. As for own personal goal, I hope by the end of the year, I will be very educated in my culture and well experienced in public speaking. In terms of implementing my endeavors, I plan on using mediums such as videos, music, power point, posters, the audience, my charisma, spontaneity and any other attention-getting means that officers and feedback may advise me.

All in all, being nominated and going through the procedures of elections is an honor and blessing in itself. One year ago, I never thought I’d see myself running for a position in AB Samahan. I can personally say that I have gone a long way and that I cannot be any more grateful. Thank you for your time and I hope to become your next cultural coordinator.

Nine Down One to Go!

Just one more presentation and I will have reached my goal! :D

It's kinna weird how the semester's almost over... So much has happened, wouldn't you agree? :]

No presentation this week due to Thanksgiving (thank goodness! :D). I hope everyone has a fun Thanksgiving! (Sucks for turkeys!)

Oh, & about Samahan Secrets...
Have you been to the AB Samahan office lately...? :]
Shh!

You Need To Tone It Down, Girl

My concerned friends, mentors and advisers are worried about me. They say I'm putting too much passion into my presentations. On top of it all, I keep trying to raise the bar on myself. And because of that...

I have had two drastic breakdowns within this month.

You think I'd learn my lesson... I am too much in love with what I'm doing. Being in this position is more than just a position to me. It's beyond the title, beyond the recognition, beyond the presentations, beyond even my own knowledge of the Filipino culture...


It's figuring out who the f*ck I am and what I'm meant to do in this world.

I hate to live passively. I hate to live for the temporary highs. I'm searching for something deep. Something genuine. Something that words just can't fully express right now... There's a beauty out there that I believe is most suitable for me. & the more I put into these presentations, the closer I feel to finding it.

If that's not reasonable enough then I can only question how you're living your life. Are you doing what you love? Are you at least working your way to get there?

I'm a girl who has to learn things the hard way. I'm self-driven. I'm stubborn. I live and breath for the extremities of life. It's how I feel most alive. Even if I am not to succeed, pain will teach me how.

I'm sorry you can't help me the way you want. This is my life. & in this current time, I'm selfish... because I'm confident about my definition of success.

Limitations

[ Join Q. Rius & Pa Sivv as they address yesterday's (Fri., Nov. 21, 2008) cultural presentation, "Limitations" @ qriushart.blogspot.com ]

Shh! It's a Samahan Secret!

Happy Veteran's Day

Today I visited my Dad with my family and it got me to realize something.

My family doesn't really annoy me anymore.

Why?

Hmm...

I think it's because I understand a lot more now... ...Yeah I think that's what it is... :]

My family hasn't really changed, more like... my perception of people has broadened.

My mom isn't as bad as I put her out to be. Yeah, she has all those typical Filipino mother mannerisms... In fact, today she was encouraging my sister to become a Navy Officer after college... (You know, cause none of her children want to do anything in the medical or engineering field so she goes for the next best thing.)


but... she's my typical Filipino mother ...

And... I've grown to be proud of that. ♥

(This was an awkward picture to take btw.)

Hey Dad,

It's been 10 years. So much has happened since you've been gone. You probably wouldn't have liked the way I turned out. But just like Mom, I know you would've ended up accepting me anyway. ;] Our family has grown so much. I've grown so much. Though...

I know I still have a lot of growing up to do. But just know that my curiosity for life will continue encouraging me to keep learning and understanding. :D I can't help but wonder though... If you were still here... I wonder how different things would be.

You'd probably urge me to be a nurse...

... Probably would've kicked me outta the house by now cause you'd be fed up with my stubbornness...

Anyway!

Bottom line, I know all you wish for is that I become successful. And that's exactly what I'm aiming for :]

Don't worry, I'll make you proud ;]
Happy Veterans day, dad!

Love,
Your Daughter

Justice for Filipino American Veterans

Or for short, JFAV :]


[ Join Q. Rius & friends as they look over the JFAV presentation last Friday :]



In response to my last presentation, I just have to say...

Those 15 minutes of failure and humiliation was all worth the experience.

If it wasn't for receiving that two-day crash course lesson about JFAV and Philippines history for my presentation yesterday, I would have not known why I was walking today. On top of that, I would have not known what questions to ask when talking to the veterans.

Everything does happen for a reason! I learned so much within these past few days! And for that, I am grateful. Especially for the people who have been there (if not always been there) for me... You all know who you are... ;]

If failure and humiliation is what it takes to learn... then so be it!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Saturday!
& thank you for everyone who came. :]

I may not be doing a presentation next Friday...
Though I will say one thing...

This Cultural Affairs Coordinator is back on her feet ;]

I'm aiming for 10 presentations this semester!
Wish me luck! :D

Today...

Was the worst presentation I have ever done this semester.

How to Break the Filipino Stereotypes

In celebration of Filipino American Heritage Month, the Cross Cultural Center sponsored the event "We Look Filipino But Why Are We Different?" which was basically a lecture by Glen Paculba - owner of Star Surfing Company - about the difference between the Filipino community in San Diego and Hawaii.

Very insightful and inspiring :] I thought I'd like to share to you a some advice by Paculba that I will forever keep in my heart (and voice recorder :P).

---

1. Be Educated; KNOW YOUR ROOTS

• "When I sent my kids to college, my advice to them was, 'You can pick a major... I'll pay attention to your major. But when you go to college... you need to get the best education you can get. Not what the college is going to give you, but what you can get from college. What an education will give you is a chance to be competitive and informed in this world. And that's it.' What you pick for a major is kind of irrelevant. It's what you learn about history and how you apply it. What you learn about geography, finance, art and how you apply it in meeting somebody that might make your life better. ...What you learn about socially in college. Experience as much as you can in what you pick to the fullest. To the fullest doesn't mean having a high grade point average ...but understanding... learn about history... Once you learn stuff like that and kind of commit it to memory it all falls together in your understanding of the world and how you treat and relate to people. And that's an education. It's not the GPA."

2. Be Worldly

• "We tend to have a narrow horizon in an area where we move through life - I'm talking about Filipinos in general that I know here in San Diego... It's different in Hawaii because of the really mixed culture. Filipinos in National City, Chula Vista, Penasquitos and Mira Mesa... we seem to have this really narrow view of the world and we escape to the "safe" and "comfortable" zip codes. I am the only Filipino business man in 92109 and that to me says a lot. I don't see Filipinos venturing out of those areas that I mentioned to make life. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just... to better enjoy this world, you must be worldly."

3. Be Proud of Your Filipino AMERICAN Identity

• "My family has been in American for 97 years. I am your grandson, I'm your son. When you're here for 97 years... I don't have an accent, I don't speak Tagalog... but I'm still Filipino. And I'm proud of that. My sister's kids... because they're intermarried, they might not look like Filipino but it doesn't mean they don't understand being Filipino."
• "Think about how you want to be as a person and then as a Filipino. I always look at myself as a confident person first. And then a Filipino man. It's not easy, but you're here, you're educated. You have the tools to figure things out. You just need to understand or realize that there are tools to use."

4. Trust, Take risks & Accept Mistakes

• "My second wife was a counselor for elementary to high school students. As young kids in the Philippines, kids weren't allowed sleepovers. That's a biggy! It said a lot to me. We had sleepovers in Hawaii. From not going to sleepovers you're not allowed to this or that. Then we have teenage suicides, then gangs because we look for another family. ... I know that, you know that. But because you're here... you can look beyond that and break the chain. Not stop loving your family and what they do for you... But you can open your children's doors to what I'm talking about. Have them travel, trust them. They're gonna make mistakes but we all make mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes and I'm still here. I think the 3rd and 4th wave of the Filipino culture doesn't allow that and I see it very clearly. You can break it, not very easily, but you can break it. Or change it for your lives and your children's lives to be more enjoyable."
• "Position for luck: Things happen. I'm all about positioning for luck. What I do is I put myself in many many situations - half of them fail, the others ones I'm kind of lucky... but the one or two that are really lucky... really makes my life better and I make progress from there. I go to different places and do things. Do things. Participate in life. Prove them wrong that Filipinos do things besides what the Filipinos normally do. For your enjoyment..."

5. Be Social

• "Meet people - that's how you gain confidence. A key word in socializing is engaging the conversation. Filipinos aren't known for that. If you look at most your friends at strange situations they probably won't engage strangers to make conversation. Engaging is a key strength in being worldly.

6. "Bottom Line... It's All About Self-Confidence."

• " I don't think as a group we are brave..."
• "Because I work in a surf shop and intermingle with a lot of people, I'll tell you what Filipinos mean to the white guy... 'I gotcha. I'm better than you. I know that, you're not a lot better than me.' That's what they're thinking, because we don't prove them otherwise. But I change his mind all the time, because I'm confident and I'm smart. And you can be that person as well... It all starts individually."
• "Having an inferior complex is a choice."
• "Without support and without a plan, it's hard to be confident in this society. And I enjoy life because I am confident. But I made it that way... It's up to you to be confident."
  

Advertising Allen

Note: I had a long blog posted for the weekend but decided to hide it. Enjoy the video that we showed for last week's cultural and public relations presentation!

Fuel My Heart

Lately I've been interviewing a lot of people who are very passionate in what they do. And I have realized a commonality among them all:

They don't give a f**k who's judging. Their love for what they do is more important than the titles that may label them. There are just some things more important than the amount of publicity given, having enough money to live a stable life, treating others unkindly just to get things done, being cordial, graduating as soon as possible, teaching at a prestigious school, listening to destructive criticism and many other things...

When I am discouraged, I will listen to my voice recorder. Every passionate person I encounter will have a place in my mind and especially my heart. I will remember the fuel that drives the wonderful people I have met in my life... and still hope to meet :] Just like them or just like you, I hope to be driven by emotions. I hope passion will blind me from external pressures.

I hope that one day, I will no longer be afraid to do whatever the f**k I want.

Passion.

It's what makes me feel most alive and what seems to make life that much more meaningful <3>

hereandnow

So yesterday at 4pm, SDSU's Cross Cultural Center hosted a Filipino American Heritage Event in celebration for Filipino American Heritage month (October, yay!). Some friends and I enjoyed a small theatrical show at Aztec Center's Casa Real. Overall, hereandnow performed many different cases of Filipino American culture, experiences and struggles.

Even if I didn't understand everything, it was very entertaining and kind of an eye-opener. :]

hereandnow is "a compelling Asian American theatre company that has performed across the nation for the past 17 years. hereandnow uses the collective voices of its diverse cast to reach out to the audience through universal themes of the show: that everyone comes from a unique experience, and that all people have stories to share."

After their performance yesterday, I spoke to the person leading the group, Jason, and out of that conversation I found inspiration and solace :] I first commended him for the performance and the messages they strive to relay out there. Because many of the scenes addressed controversial issues, I asked him, "What criticisms have you gotten, how did you take them and how did you deal with them?"

I swear it took him 15 minutes to answer that question. Haha. So basically, their group has received a lot of criticism, almost to the point where they had to avoid physical fights. I asked him how can he keep going with all the controversy... and he laughed as he replied, "I love the controversy."

He also made an interesting point that some of the criticism he's gotten, the worst coming for their own ethnicity, is how many people told him that the issues they addressed were shown incorrectly. But in his defense he said, "These are my experiences. This is what I went through. This is what I saw. No one can tell you what you experienced and how you interpreted it. That is up to you."

We kept talking - well... he kept talking haha - about the group, all the situations they've been in, and how much fun the journey has been. As our conversation came to a close, I asked him one more question, "What advice would you give to minorities who are trying to stand out and break through the stereotypes... like you guys do?"

Before he asked, he took a step back and asked, "What's your major?" Haha.

And so Jason said something along the lines...

"Ask most of the youth what they want to do and they'll answer, 'EVERYTHING.' But you can't do everything. You just can't physically do everything. You have to make a decision - do something that is most important to you and who you are - and stick to it. You will gain so much more doing a specific thing than many things. I mean, you can do many things, but there won't be one specific thing that you won't be good at. You limit yourself that way and you won't be as happy. A jack of all trades is a master of none."

And from doing what we want, we can break through the stereotypes and show to people that we are more than what everyone expects from us :]

Thank you hereandnow :D

HAPPY SLIP!

Question: You're definitely an influence and inspirational to a lot of people and I was just wondering what advice would you give to people in terms of standing out and being out there like you?

Christine: My heart really goes out to especially Filipino artists because we're so under represented in the media. ...I think everyone has unique gifts. What I really try to tell people when they start a career or sorts in entertainment is like... you know what, find your passion first - what are you really passionate about, your convictions... because that's going to fuel you and keep you going even past the bad feedback.

Use the new media, every part of it because that's the powerful tools that we have at our disposal rather than waiting for other people to give you the opportunity because you will wait for an entire life ... as Filipinos. The chances of getting a huge role just given to you, whether you're at the music business or acting business...

Let's be realistic, we have the tools in our own hands... So, start with your passion first don't worry about what other people say. Make sure that it's fueled by something you're inspired by and then just keep working diligently at that. And people will see the passion. And then you'll begin to grow your audience.

To: Jen Amos :]
Find your passion & pursue it no matter what since God gave you that unique gift!

Love, Christine Gambito

More details later. Thanks to my lovely voice recorder, I got the whole interview down <3 style="text-align: center;">

F**k Arguing

I have problems explaining myself a lot of the times.

On Sun. Sept. 28th, I wrote a blog "Against Our Culture," which spoke about how I wanted to learn how to become a decent debater.

I may be able to explain myself well through writing and blogging. But anyone who's probably listened to me try to explain things without a script will notice that I tend to struggle.

And you know what? I'm fine with that.

I don't want to be a decent debater. I don't want to practice arguing. I don't want to prove my point on the spot. Especially with words.

It just creates so much noise... raises so much pride...so much inaction and so many contradictions.

Words are definitely a big part of society.
Everyone can talk. Everyone can know things.
Everyone can prove themselves through words.
Yay, we have a very witty and intelligent society.

But this is one society that I want to rebel from.

I don't want to know everything. I don't want to always speak eloquently. And even if I do, I don't want to show it off all the time. Every conversation I have with others shouldn't be a debate. It shouldn't be a competition. We should be working together. Not proving who knows better. But piggy backing in each other's ideas. That is growth. That is progression.

None of this, "You're wrong" piece of BS. None of this undermining BS. F**k that. People aren't stupid. By human nature, we can sense if someone's looking down on us. By human nature, we can sense if we have the upper hand. Maybe that's why many of us take advantage of it.

Not many seek to understand, but seek to be right. WTF if up with that?!

Bottom line, I'm done arguing. I'm wrong, there I said it. You win. I hope that makes you feel better about yourself. But always being right will dwindle the friends you have, remember that. I know what's right in my heart. And one thing is to not have to persuade you. F**k arguing. Society relies wayyy too much on words and being right.

F**k that. I'm just gonna shut up and do my sh*t. You can ask questions and I'll give you answers but there's no way you're going to dissuade me or even bring me down.

That's all. Have a decent day.


"Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it."

-Belgicia Howell

Flashback

Note: I still owe everyone a deep blog! Until then, I'll be working on this week's cultural presentation. And if you wanna hint, it'll be a reflection of my cultural presentation that I had at the first AB Samahan meeting. In case anyone missed out or just want to recap, here's the presentation :] Enjoy!

---

Why Care About the Filipino Culture?
Cultural Presentation #3
Presentation Date: September 12th, 2008

[*Interacting with the audience]

*Okay. By a raise of hands, who here is an American?
*Now, who here is a Filipino American?
*Who here was born in the Philippines?
*Who where wasn’t born in the Philippines?
*Who here has never been to the Philippines?

Today four million people of Philippine ancestry live here in the US. And believe it our not, most of us reside here in the state of California.

*Where do you live? (Chula Vista anyone?)

Now why is that?
*Why are most of us living here? (Parents)
*Why do our parents want us to live here? (To live better lives)
*Now how many of us can say that our parents are raising us here for the sake of living better lives?

Yes, that is true.

But to what costs?

Today in the Philippines, practically every educated person you talk to will be able to tell you about our Filipino history, politics and essentially our culture. Understandable, they live there so they should know. As expected for any other country.

But what about us?

Did you know that in the last Philippine Elections there was an 81% voter turn-out? As for the most recent US elections there was only a 44% voter turn-out. That’s almost half of the voter turn-out in PI. And the US population is three times greater than PI.

So what does that mean?

If you talk to many of the educated people here in the US, especially people our age, you will find that not many of us know about US history or politics. Did you know that our age group had the lowest voting rate out of all the other age groups in 2004? I’m sure that’s not really a surprise though. 1 out of 4 of us don’t even read the news.

*So let me ask: How many of you honestly prioritize US history and politics in your every day worries? Well now you do right? Because presidential elections are coming up and that's kind of important.

To be honest, I can barely keep up with daily news. What makes it even better, is the fact that I can get away with it. As of many of us. Look how far we’ve gone. We’ve made it this far with not having to worry about anything but our own personal problems. So who cares right?

I guess I’d say the same myself. But together, I believe we can find a way to relate everyday simple ideas to our own culture.

But… if one of the last things we can care about are our US history or politics, how can I expect you all to care about our own? ...I have to ask:

Why the f*ck should we care about our Filipino culture?

Like I said, look how far we’ve gone. Our parents have exchanged our Filipino heritage and identity for the sake of living the American life. And this is the American life. Where we’re given the opportunity to care more about our own problems than our own nation’s!

Most of us are here for what? To meet new people, friends, hopefully meet your future boyfriend or girlfriend… I know you all didn’t dress up nice for nothing. I know most of us didn’t come here for another lecture.

So I have to ask again: Why the f*ck should we care about our Filipino culture? Why should we be here and learn about our ethnicity if all we’re trying to really do is enjoy college to the fullest social extent? Why should we even give a sh*t about a country thousands of miles away with people we'll probably only see a handful of times in our lives?


...I don’t know about you... but I have a lot of family problems. Because I was raised in the American culture, I tend to clash with those brought up in the Filipino culture – specifically, my elders. Our mentalities clash. And a lot of the times it gets so frustrating.

You don’t have to raise your hands, but I ask of you to think about these questions: How many of you don't get along with your parents? How many of you are you majoring in something for your parents or for your family? Why? Why not major in something you want to do?

Anyone have superstitious relatives? Or what about the ones that contradict themselves? You know, the ones that prefer the cheaper price of anything. And yet it’s okay to buy coach bags?

Okay, besides our parents or elders because I’m picking on them too much. What about you personally? How many of you can’t even stand your own ethnicity? And especially the peers that share your ethnicity? I have no doubt that a lot of you are already thinking about a list of things that annoy you about Filipinos.

But how about this. How many of us… don’t even know who we are. Maybe not as individuals, but as Filipinos. Where did we come from? What is our history? Why are we here today? How did we get here? What is our purpose as Filipinos? Filipino Americans. Americanized Filipinos.

There has to be a reason why our generation is given this difficult task of juggling both the Filipino and American culture.

Now, I have no doubt that many of us wish our parents or elders understood us better. I know that if my elders just really listen to what I have to say is in my heart, I’d feel less anxiety and frustration. But how? How can we be better understood?

Well, as someone who has taken an interest in her culture, I'm here to tell you that there is a reason for everything all the elders we are frustrated with do. Let's just say our elders come from a different world with different rules. It's like, you can take the kid out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the kid.

Also, I'm here to ask of us to challenge ourselves by having a curious heart and questioning why we are where we are today. Why do we do every single thing we do? What are our motives?

I’ll tell you now: to find better understanding, not just with the Filipino culture, but with other ethnicities, it’s all about learning our roots and growing new fruits. If we learn to understand our past – our parent’s past especially, I guarantee we will learn to understand our present and in time, see more positivity in our future. Knowledge of our culture is everywhere around us. It should be our base, our foundation. And if we decide to do this together, I guarantee that not only will we understand our elders better, but we will understand ourselves. We will understand ourselves better and ... appreciate everything we have today.

Once again, I’m Jen Amos, an Andres Bonifacio Samahan member, and I hope that we will help each other learn more about ourselves not just as an individual, but... as a Caucasian, a Japanese American, a Vietnamese American, a Chinese American, and African American, a Mexican American, an Asian American, any kinds of ethnicities or... a Filipino American.

Thank you.

Good Guys Exist

Have you seen Happyslip's most recent video?



In response to "Take a Bow" by Rihanna. (@ 1:58 min.)

"How about we take the song and we change the lyrics to reflect a more positive situation. One that you can actually smile about. One that is about guys that are dedicated and devoted and are worth waiting for because they actually exist. Believe it or not."

- Happyslip

I believe you Christine! :] I believe, no, I know those kinna guys exist. And they are so worth the wait...

Found a Founder

Taking my time to my 1200 class at Southwestern College, I stopped walking to see an office I never noticed. The front and back of a SDAFF poster was posted from inside the window, which prevented me from seeing what was inside. But I did notice a name posted in caps top-left of the window:


F. TUYAY


Felix Tuyay? One of the founders of AB Samahan?

I got a little excited and noticed that the bottom of the window had a little card that showed his office hours. I pondered whether I should take a picture of it for future reference and looked at the SDAFF posters at the same time.


"Planning on going to one of those?"

I turned around to see a tall light-skinned Filipino guy. He seemed middle-aged ...considering how he was losing hair above his forehead. "Yeah, I think so. I already have some movies in mind."

"You know some of them are already sold out?"
"What? No way!"

He went on for a few seconds about SDAFF. "Alright," he said as he entered his office. I took a quick glance before the door was about to close to notice how cultural his office looked. Before the door closed I quickly asked, "Um, are you Professor Tuyay?"

He opened the door wide open and took a quick glance at the name I first noticed, "Um, yes I believe so."

"Um... aren't you one of the founders of AB Samahan?"

His face seemed to light up when I asked that question. But he responded in modesty, "Oh no, that's Sal. But I was very involved in Samahan." We spoke about the organization for a bit and I moved my foot cause I realized it was keeping Professor Tuyay from closing the door... I told him that I was the current cultural affairs coordinator thinking he might say something about my position.

He didn't seem to care though, haha. He seemed to care more about high school conference and FCN. And he spoke to me in a casual yet business manner.

Now that I think about it, he was probably rushing the conversation because he might have had another class to teach....

But then he stuck his hand out and asked me for my last name.

My-last-name.

Who ever asks for that first???

Anyway, the whole conversation lasted for about three minutes. He said goodbye and the door closed in front of me. For a second, I stood there in shock. What just happened? Did I just meet one of the founders of SDSU's AB Samahan?

Professor Tuyay teaches a few Asian classes at SWC - one that I may take for kicks next semester (ASIA 115 FILIPINO-AMERICAN CULTURE). Might be useful ;]

If not, there's always interviewing :D

FCN 2008 Teaser Trailer

Against Our Culture

"We're expressive people and it's difficult for us because it goes against our culture." J.V.

It's frustrating but a blessing at the same time. I wish that I can be more expressive though. Not just speaking up when I really feel for something, but when it comes to specifics. I like questioning society and the norms, my heart can generate conclusions, but everything in between is still something I want to improve about myself. It's like writing an essay and the most difficult part to write are the supportive paragraphs.

I wish I can be as convincing as a lot of people who are good at stating their opinions. But I'm not. It's always been a challenge for me to give explanations, evidence or examples. I just know how I feel, I follow my gut feelings and I trust my heart. But in a world full of talkers, it's just hard to persuade anyone anything. "You can't trust your feelings. Feelings come and go."

If that's the case, it's probably wise I adapt to the majority of people in society by becoming a better talker or at least a decent debater.

For all I know, it might be fun. ... :]

...Anyway...

For some reason, I feel like I won't have to try too hard because...


something in me is telling me that I'm doing just fine.

Rock the Vote

Note: Some of you probably got in the e-mail that I was going to perform spoken word at the Rock the Vote Open Mic Night. So the night before, I spent three hours working on my piece. When my sister got home, I read it out loud to her. But when I finished, I realized I no longer wanted to read it. I felt like I was attacking my own ethnicity more than encouraging us to vote. But in case you were wondering what I could've read, here it is :] It's not finished, and I'll note the part where I stopped working on it.

---

You probably weren’t expecting an Asian to come up here, let alone a Filipino
As smart and as hard working we are stereotyped to be, we typically wouldn’t speak out for show
Maybe you’ve noticed how we can be passive or not so verbally expressive
Or maybe very opinionated by but not so outspoken
Ask most of us why we do what we do and most of us will tell you
“It’s for family”, “it’s a Filipino thing” or “I don’t know”

But in our defense, most of our parents were raised punished for speaking out
Hence, a small explanation that has influenced our lack of opinion
So as children most of our parents remained silent and obedient
Going with the flow, doing as told without any intentions of being different
Now those same mannerisms have trickled down on us - the children
And so most of us live with that same satisfaction of what we’re given
But ever since I’ve recognized this unspoken acceptance
My heart has grown anxious but at least it’s made all the difference

For a long time, I’ve been fighting against this silent conformity
I’ve been fighting with my mom and those who are a lot older than me
I’ve become everything but traditional, cordial or superstitious
Family-oriented, reserved or religious
When I really have a passion for something, I’ll definitely make it show
And if there’s an unsettling feeling in my heart, I’ll let everyone know

So now the time to vote is just around the corner
Now the time to speak up is more important than ever
I want to speak up and with those who share my ethnicity
But who keeps up with our nation’s issues or foreign policies?
Most Filipinos my age couldn’t care less
It’s hard to find people who’ll help me progress
In learning more about that’s going on
Who has the passion among my fellow Filipinos to express their opinion and help me generate my own when most of them would rather excel in academics and strive for stable lives?
It’s just hard to find people my age and my ethnicity that have enough opinion to help educate me
Obsessed in being studious or being too occupied with our own problems
most Filipinos are oblivious to what’s happening around us

Like how recently Supplement 6897 passed
Or the possibility that S1315 may rid the Filipino American war veteran’s amendment
But I know most people don’t understand
what those numbers stand for and how it affects some Filipino grandparents
Hell, I don’t even know that much.

It’s not just the passiveness that our parents have cast our generation
But how some of us are well off, supported and showered with materialism
Why develop a mind when everything you want is yours?
The thought of critical thinking already sounds like a chore.
It’s just too much thought for when we have better things to do like greed over our own problems.

[At this point, I asked my sister to listen to me read this aloud. When I finished I realized that I no longer wanted to read it. I didn’t finish it either, but here’s the rough draft of the ending.]

But my friends, this is college now
This is a time were we, as Filipino Americans, as the youth, as the second generation, have the opportunity to find or make something out of ourselves
This is our time, our freedom to attain what we really want in our lives
Unless we want to live in passiveness or conformity,
I believe the first step to finding or creating ourselves is to generate our own opinions
Think critically and not just settle for what we have

A good friend of mine told me that instead of making the excuse that we don’t know, we should really make the effort to know
Let’s go beyond our elements
Let’s open our minds
Let’s express ourselves
Let’s not continue to be the Filipinos afraid to raise our hands in class
Let’s speak up and out
Let’s vote
Even if we’re scared of expressing ourselves in front of many people
Voting is one of those few opportunities were we could state our opinions and no one else will know

I’m going to take advantage of this up coming elections
My upbringing, family, ethnicity and culture won’t define me or hold me back
I am more than this
I want to be more than this
I will be more than this
And it starts with my opinion, my voice, my vote

Just Teasing ;]

Note: For the betterment of this week's AB Samahan meeting, I have decided to save my presentation for next week. I hope I don't discourage you. I only hope to encourage you by giving you a taste of my next cultural presentation.

Spoken word.
Free Verse.
It's meant to be read out loud and with speed.
It's still in the editing process & is only a fourth done.
Hope you enjoy the introduction! :D

---

Maybe you’ve been there just like me.
Asking yourself, “Give me one good reason why I should accept my ethnicity?
Because my friend, I can give you a lot of reasons why I shouldn’t.”

As a second generation Filipino, I have clashed with the typical first generation.
The very people who I should be learning the most about my identification.
The traditional, cordial and superstitious,
The family-oriented, reserved and religious
Passion is kept on the down low -
Like how an older Filipina won’t usually hold hands in public
Because a love is more beautiful when the fewer know.
Passive when they were younger
Raised disciplined and obedient like no other
But then age increased and the tables turned
They became adults and raised our generation with the same discern
On top of that, their status has rose their vanity and pride
Because now they have the power to lead us than walk by our side
Speaking of us, ever notice how much the first generation tends to underestimate the youth?
And they’ll ignore our opinions and growth because secretly, they can’t handle the truth
They can’t stand that fact that we may one day exceed their reasoning
So they try controlling our actions, our expressions or way of thinking
But truth be told, I will always be a child in my elders’ eyes.
And so my hatred grows the more they neglect my mind.

History doesn’t help me accept my ethnicity either.
For over 300 years the Spaniards took over
And right after came the United States
Who imposed on the citizens their ideal traits
Of a decent society.
And although the Philippines is now an independent country
Many of the citizens are accustomed with the colonial mentality
Many of us subconsciously feel inferior
Many of us spend too much time maintaining our exterior
By matching Mestizos or Americans
By whitening our skin or adjusting our mannerisms
The past and the present isn’t showing me that we’ll progress from a third world country anytime soon
The Philippines’ government and politics isn’t reassuring me that things will turn around, too.

The more I study the more I feel like I’m led on
I’ve grasped more deceit, ingenuity, double-standard respect and corruption.
Before the year even started, I almost wanted to quit my position.
The negativity has nearly caused my suffocation.
But I’m still gasping for breath
I’m still trying with much difficulty
I have hope there’s more to my ethnicity
and so I am holding onto my theory
I believe there is more to my culture, regardless of my perception,
I believe through the vast majority I can find the kind of Filipino beauty that’ll give me inspiration

I believe there is some good in everything.
And I know once I find it, it’ll be gratifying
I know I will find the beauty that will motivate me to learn more about my culture
And low and behold, I have found what I’ve been looking for.

Nervousness

Tomorrow will be my first cultural presentation for an AB Samahan meeting and...

I've been nervous all week.

I carried my nerves with me when I helped announced AB Samahan's first meeting at APSA's first meeting just two days ago. I was so nervous, I wrote a small script of what to say. It was just a two minute announcement and I already felt my face turning red :x

I couldn't believe it, but last night, I actually had a dream about the first meeting. For some reason, it was held in a big Roman-looking arena and it was my turn to give my presentation. I held the mic in my right hand and my script in my left. I started my presentation the way I intended. More people entered the arena. Everyone was looking at me. The beginning of my presentation made a lot of people laugh and I smiled as I continued to interact with my audience. The presentation was going well, people raised their hands when they related to the questions I asked. Then ...I paused.

I forgot what I wanted to say next.

Luckily, I had my script, so I quickly looked at it.

F*ck.


Wrong script.

I asked the audience to excuse me as I left the arena really quick. While some of the AB Samahan members were keeping the audience entertained, I somehow entered an office-looking room. All the officers' backpacks were there. I found mine then dug deep into my bag trying to find my script.

I couldn't find it. But I kept searching. Even to the point that I was crying.

I don't know how, but when I could no longer bear the emotions I felt, I was able to escape by waking myself up.

Yup.

I will be the last presentation for tomorrow's first meeting. It was intended that way so people can leave feeling... moved.

It's up to you, Jen!
Finish the meeting strong!

F*ck the last half of that dream.
I can do it.
& it will be a lot of fun. :]

Deny My Father

Telemarketer: Hello, is Mr. Amos there?
Mom: No, he’s not available right now.
Brother: No, Mr. Amos isn’t here right now.

Telemarketer: Hello, is Mr. Amos there?
Me: No, he’s dead.


It’s been ten years. Get with the program people! What the heck are they giving telemarketers before calling residents, anyway? Obviously not an update on who’s still alive or not.

...

What an interesting time though, one decade ago...

We were still living in Yokosuka, Japan Naval base and I just started fourth grade. Took us about a year, but we were finally next in line to move off base and live on base in the towers (I always thought the towers were bigger than the townhouses). Two weeks into October 1998, my dad's carrier ship (the USS Midway - that's now a museum at Downtown San Diego) took off to sea. The next morning, they took attendance. And my dad was missing.

No where on the ship was he found.

I remember I was in the living room when one of the Chiefs on the USS Midway came to our house and told my mom our dad was missing. He said they sent a rescue crew out to sea to try and find him. My mom was devastated and immediately broke down. But I didn't. I sat next to her and faked two tears because I thought it was the right thing to do. It just didn't hit me at the time. It was all surreal.

October 19th, 1998, they officially announced that my dad's body was no where to be found.

After that, you can imagine how many prayer gatherings we had. Even then it didn't affect me. I remember being in church and just watching my mom cry.

But not even her grief affected me.

As selfish as I was, I actually became happier. The death of my dad went on the newspapers and before I knew it, I had groups of people I never really spoke to befriend me. I got pretty bitter when my mom said we could no longer be stationed in Japan. I told her I didn't want to go because I was finally making friends.

Took me a while, but three years later, I finally broke down. Especially when I realized how emotionless my mom had become. Hence, the reason why she's really good at being a provider for my siblings and I.


You know, up to this day, I still don't know what really happened to my dad.

But I do have an idea.

One night after the USS Midway sailed off to sea, there so happened to be a typhoon. Someone reported that the last time my dad was seen was on the upper deck about half an hour before midnight... You can imagine what happened from there.

By the way, I have never said to a telemarketer, "my dad’s dead" before. In fact, I rarely ever say anything to telemarketers. The moment I realize someone's advertising, I hang up. But a shocking attention getter though, huh?

For my daddy
Who taught me the multiplication table
before 1st grade.

People deserve to know you passed away.
I'll admit it
Even if sometimes mom prefers otherwise.

And I Yelled At Her In Public

Yesterday while I was at H&M with my family, I found out my mom donated my light green flats that I have loved and worn since high school. (See my shoes?)

And I yelled at her in the store.

And a little later, I noticed two of my friends were working.

Wtf, Mom?! I told you I was going to pick out the shoes I wanted to donate later. You never f*cking listen to me. You and your siblings. You all just assume what I want and go on about your assumptions. It's not even just the shoes, mom, it's everything else. I didn't even want the car you gave me. I wanted a used car with a stick shift and without turbo. And you're complaining to me that I'm wasting gas. And going to the Philippines. Oh man, don't even get me started on the Philippines.


*sigh* My light-green-flats. I used to call them my dorothy shoes...

...

My
light
green
flats.

I had so much history with them. They were the first flats I bought. I used to be against flats - and the whole world but who's asking? - but when I decided to get over it, I chose my light green flats first. I still remember going to Payless and they were the first flats that stood out to me. I used to wear them around this guy that I had the biggest crush on. Oh the places I went with them... They were my flats. No one else had them but me. Payless even stopped holding them after a while... I'd wear them to match my whole green attire. Or I'd just wear them to clash. My light... green... flats...

They weren't the most comfortable things. I had to cut the back of the shoe to keep it from scraping the back of my heel (the unspoken pain every girl goes through wearing flats). *sigh*

Geez... I sound like such a girl complaining about my light... green... flats... I almost thought this blog can help me laugh and get over something that was so dear to me... But it's not working. Oh goodness, it's gonna be hard letting this go. I never realized how attached I was to those shoes...

It's okay mom, if I only took better care of them, maybe you would've thought that I still cared about them...

Or you would've just donated them anyway. F*ck.

Of all the shoes, Mom. Today, I was in the garage staring at all the other worn out shoes she could've taken. But she had to take the light green ones. And if there's anything my mom knows about me, it's my favorite color.

And before I even reach the garage, I find half the laundry room shelving shoes I've never seen you wear.

She caught me crying in the garage today and said, "They were already worn out."

They were worn out because I wore them out the most.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?!

Apparently not. You're more concerned about new things. You like to keep your possessions new and clean-looking, so you can give off that high maintenance impression to others.

You have no idea how much those flats meant to me. And you have no idea how I manage my possessions.

You know why most of my belongings look faded, used and worn out? You know why I don't care if I drop my cell phone or why I scribble out my mistakes when I'm writing instead of completely erasing them? Or why I haven't washed my car yet? Do you know why most of my clothes are wrinkled? Or why my books tend to look murdered with annotations? Or why I can give off this improper appearance? Because I don't give a f*ck, Mom. I use my sh*t, Mom. I love the memories each tear, scratch, mark or fade my possessions have. And I'm not ashamed of it. I don't care if I look messy. I don't want to hide or throw away the mistakes, revisions or even the past that all my possessions clearly show. What you try to represent is so idealistic, Mom. No one's perfect, Mom. Stop pretending. Even the upper-class have worn out belongings.

And stop thinking you know me, just listen to me. You'd have so many questions answered. I'm a very honest person, if you haven't noticed already. Secrets elude me.

Accept me for the imperfect and improper daughter that I am.

And listen to me when I say I'll pick out shoes to donate later.

Damnit, Mom.

He's Back

Back in the day, it only took him two words to get me to cry,

"Shut up."

Among the few relatives I have here in the states, there was one who I had the biggest resentment towards. I'll just call him Gerry here. He's about 5 years older than me. I used to admire him so much. Back in high school, he was ridiculously smart. You can point at any part of your body and he'd be able to give the scientific name for them, all the way down to the muscles and bones and such. Him and his ROTC team were the best nation wide and he was a faithful boyfriend. He was popular, attractive, intelligent, had a great sense of humor and everyone was expecting him to go places.

Then he moved here to San Diego. He immediately became popular and was known for pop dancing. (If it wasn't for joining the army, he would've been performing with Jabbawockeez.) But then he met his girlfriend, got her pregnant, then got married, then he joined the army, cheated on his girlfriend (she cheated on him, too) and now they are divorced and with their new lovers. His ex-wife still lives in his parent's house always locked up in his room and the only reason why they haven't kicked her out yet is because the babies would be better off living there than with the ex-wife. (Yes babies, they had a second one right after.) And the babies are under her custody, which she knows and is taking full advantage of.

But that's besides the point.

I used to look up to him, even at times when he'd make fun of me and make me cry - which was practically every time we hung out. Eventually I started standing up for myself, or at least, got better at dodging his offenses and not taking his insults personally.

He wasn't a really good dad, nor was his ex-wife a really good mother. A lot of the time they'd have my brother come to their house to babysit while they went out and had fun. Eventually, they started leaving the babies at my house. It was fine at first, my sister enjoyed their company, until they didn't come back the time they said they would.

I tried calling Gerry telling him it's really late, the babies were crying and my mom was staying up longer than she should have. I even threatened to leave his babies outside the house. He disregarded what I said and I kept calling back until he turned his phone off.

Really early in the morning, they finally came back. I answered the door and Gerry's sister - she'll be called Mo here - was with them. Before Lei (his ex-wife & her made up name) could walk past me, I put my arm in front of her and asked, "Where do you think you're going?" She'd reply back with attitude, "I'm going to pick up my babies."

"It's a little too late for that."

She started going off. Calling me immature, saying I didn't know anything and that she was older than me. As if that gave her more validity to be right. "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm older than you." I'll have you know, that was the most she's ever spoken to me in person.

She kept rambling. Getting bored over what she had to say I said, "Can you please shut up?" When I was about to turn to Gerry, he already snapped.

"What!?" He stepped in front of Lei practically pushing her aside. "What did you just say to her?" And shoved me in the chest.

I felt a great heap of air escaped me as I stumbled back. Before he could push me a second time, Mo quickly stepped in and split us up. She held my shoulders and directed me to walk in the house and told me to go upstairs. I cried for the rest of the night.

Years later, I've never gotten an apology. But at least I enjoyed some karma:

A few months after that, I got a myspace message from Lei. She was desperate & she needed someone to watch over her babies. She offered over a hundred dollars for the weekend. Her message was flowery and she was already giving me details about how to take care of the kids.

I sent a message back reminding her of what happened in the past. And the only way we were going to watch her kids was under my conditions. But mainly that she apologized to me and gave my sister the hundred bucks in twenties (because I wanted the money to go to my sister and that was her request :]).

She gave me everything I asked for. On top of that, she added an extra twenty bucks to our payment. And gave me a hug :]

Even so, from that point on, I rejected her every time she asked again. I didn't care. And I still don't care. She is no longer family after all. And she's found other people to freeload off of.

Anyway, mom told me Gerry's back from South Korea for vacationing. And I don't think I have intentions of seeing him.

I'm just kind of wondering how he's going to react to his ex-wife who's still freeloading off his parent's and locked up in his bedroom...